I've been pretty depressed this week, so I think it's time to have some fun. The following is written by an unknown author, and is an example of my own personal brand of twisted humor.
NOTE: To those of you who are not from the United States, this article is a type of things that make Americans laugh. It is often described as "dry" wit. Its appeal is that it is so outrageous that it is funny. Do not take any of the statements as being meant seriously.
How To Get Ahead In Life
01-As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
02-I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion.
03-I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
04-I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
05-In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.
06-Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
07-My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
08-I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
09-I need not suffer in silence while I can moan, whimper and complain.
10-As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me for my silence.
11-When someone hurts me, I know that a lawsuit is more gratifying than forgiveness.
12-The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third step is to find someone to buy nice things for me.
13-Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
14-Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
15-I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
16-Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
17-Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear browsing the web. Instead, I will move my computer into my bedroom.
18-I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
19-Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
20-I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]
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