Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Slip Sliding Away

The message of Simon and Garfunkel's song has nothing to do with how I feel, but the title does. In the last week, I had noticed that I was starting to have trouble finding the words that I needed to communicate my thoughts. It's like playing with the toy where you have to find the right peg to fit the right hole, but in my case none of them seem to fit. I try the square peg, then the triangle peg, and then the rectangle peg, and none of them will go into the round hole. I'm aware of that much, so I look around for the round peg and it just can't be found, then I return to trying the other pegs. Nothing fits and I know it. I never fully lose the power to know that I don't know. Sometimes I wish I could.

It's almost as though you walk into your living room, and all of the furniture is gone. You know it's gone, but you don't remember why it's gone. The wife and kids come home from the mall, and she says, "What did you do with all of the furniture?" You reply, "I don't know. It was here just a minute ago, but now I don't know where to find it."

A preacher friend of mine told me yesterday that he couldn't imagine what it would be like to have difficulty thinking. Lucky him. I woke up this morning, after the week's cognitive struggles, to find myself depressed. Again.

I should have known that it was coming. The problem with the words should have told me that I was "slip sliding away." Losing my mental grip. I always try to hold to the positive view that maybe this time it will be different. Maybe this will just be a temporary glitch in the program. My history tells me that it's not likely, but in this case, self-deception becomes a survival technique. Holding carrots in front of horses is no different from dreams in front of depressives. Sometimes, I wish that I was truly in "La-La Land," where you are blissfully ignorant of what your problems are.

I was supposed to co-preach a lesson on depression this Sunday, but now that's not going to happen. My sermon will have to become an announcement. We will be starting our support group in a couple of weeks. You would think that if I could write, I could preach, but that's not true. When I write, there are no time constraints, and no listening audience. I can take as long as I want to finish my blog, and there's no one there to watch me or distract me or to fall asleep.

I don't know how long it will take me to get a new grip on my thoughts and my mood, but I will return as soon as I'm able. Meanwhile...I'll be Slip Sliding Away.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

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