Ten Minute Freefall

New Website

2007-12-27T14:42:00.000-06:00

I have a new website up, and I would love for you to come and visit me. You can Yahoo (not Google) it at stormyward.bravehost.com

My site is dedicated to helping people study and understand the Scriptures. It is titled "Loving And Learning The Bible."

Even though the content is copyrighted for my protection, you have my permission to use the information for personal or small group applications, but not for large scale or commercial use.

Contact me at my new email address s_tward@hotmail.com (s underscore _)

Love In Christ,
Stormy

A Milestone

2007-11-02T07:34:00.000-06:00

THE MILESTONE-I've reached a milestone. When my youngest son suggested that I start a blog, I never expected to do so for a year, or to receive the response I've gotten from friends around the world. This has turned into a ministry that I didn't anticipate. I am grateful to God and the rest of you for the opportunity to touch lives and encourage others, as I have been encouraged.

That said, I have decided to close this blog, and move on to another project. My prayer is that new readers will continue to visit this site, and pass it on to others who might be helped. If it has been beneficial to you, perhaps it will be to others also. I will always enjoy answering emails from people that have specific comments or requests. I would suggest that new readers begin with my first blog entry, and read forward.

VISIT THE NEW WEBSITE-I will have a new website dedicated to hermeneutics. "How To Study and Understand The Bible" will be my focus. When I became a new Christian, I was handed a Bible and expected to teach myself. That is what I have done (with some eventual assistance from others), and hopefully I've learned a lot since then (30 years) that might be helpful to some of you.

I know now how important it is to have a logical method for studying the Bible. There are "short cuts" to knowledge, and there are ways to help you learn the truth of Scripture. "...God our Savior...desires all men to be saved and come to the knowledge of the truth (1 Timothy 2:3,4)." Jesus said to those Jews who had come to believe in Him, "If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free (John 8:31,32)."

Serious Christians (are there any other kind?) listen closely to the words of the apostle Peter, "Like newborn babies, long for the milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation (1 Peter 2:2)." Good students of the Bible have a hunger for knowledge that isn't found in the casual approach to Bible study used by most people. If you will join me on my website, I believe that you will enjoy the things that I have to share.

If you are interested in being notified when the site is up and running, send me an email note.

SPECIAL NOTE-About two weeks ago, I received an email asking if I would like to serve as education minister for the Mount Vernon Church of Christ in Prescott, Arizona. After some resolving of a few "challenges," it is now a "done deal." This congregation knows of all my BPD issues, and are more than willing to work around any problems that I might have. You don't find people like that everyday. This is proof-positive that unexpected good things can happen to you, even if you have a depressive mood disorder. The transition that I will be making might create a delay in setting up the website, but I should be up and running no later than the first of January.

Thank you, my friends, for making the journey with me. I will remember you all with fond affection and appreciation. Remember that no matter how dark the days, God desires to be by your side, if you will only put your trust in Him.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net or s (underscore) tward@hotmail.com

A Very Bad Day

2007-10-26T11:03:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite booklets is Alexander and The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst. This picture book describes a very bad, absolutely terrible, obviously horrible, and without a doubt, no good day in the life of a little boy. At least that's the way that he sees it.

Alexander awakens to find gum in his hair, his teacher doesn't like his drawing of an invisible castle, he finds that there isn't any dessert in his lunch, his dentist tells him that he has a cavity which needs fixing, there is kissing on TV, and he has to wear his railroad pajamas which he hates.

Alexander's day is so terrible that he decides to move to Australia. His mother assures him that everyone has bad days, even people who live in Australia. That's what I've discovered also. Everyone has horrible, no good days, but not everyone is clinically depressed. Bad days begin with bad minutes and then bad hours. You add enough days together, and you have a terrible month. Twelve months become a year, and enough years become a very bad life.

Sometimes the "badness" of living comes as a result of who we are, and what character traits we have. It doesn't have anything to do with depression, it's a summary of how we think and behave. It's not dependent on what happens to us situationally, but rather how we respond to the circumstances of life. It's been said that happiness is largely determined by what happens to us, but joy is what happens in us. That's why the apostle Paul was able to reasonably admonish the Philippians to "Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice (Php.4:4)." You may not always be able to rejoice in what you experience, but you can rejoice in who you are. That is, if you are a child of God, and find your joy in Him.

Look at the words below to discover how people who are constantly having "very bad days" actually think, live and respond to circumstances.

00-Abandoned-feeling alone without being cared for or supported

00-Ambivalent-having mixed, uncertain or conflicting feelings about something

00-Confused-unable to think or reason clearly or to act sensibly

00-Crushed-extremely upset, saddened or depressed

00-Despairing-feeling or showing loss of hope

00-Frazzled-exhausted and in a very confused or irritable state

00-Frustrated-feeling exasperated, discouraged, or unsatisfied

00-Homesick-feeling sadness and longing to be at home with family or friends

00-Intimidated-a feeling of fear, awe, or inadequacy

00-Maudlin-overly or tearfully sentimental

00-Panicked-fear or anxiety that comes on suddenly, is overwhelming, appears to be uncontrollable, and may seem to be unfounded

00-Pressured-to feel powerful and stressful demands on one's time, attention, and energy

00-Tentative-slow, hesitant and careful way that reveals a lack of confidence

00-Desperate-overwhelmed with urgency and anxiety, to the point of losing hope

00-Grieved-to experience great sadness over something such as death

00-Pessimistic-somebody who always expects the worst to happen

00-Apathetic-not taking any interest in anything, and not bothering to do anything

00-Negative-unhappy, discouraging, angry, or otherwise distracting from a happy situation

00-Rigid-unwilling to change or adapt behavior, opinions, or attitudes

00-Reserved-having a tendency to emotional restraint

00-Apprehensive-worried that something bad will happen

00-Sensitive-easily offended or annoyed

As you can see, there are often personality traits that are as "depressive" as any mood disorder. I believe that it's much easier to control depression than it is to modify thinking and behavior. The above list is certainly not comprehensive, but it is representative of the character traits that lead to people having Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Days, and quite probably having a very bad life.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

What's The Mood, Dude?

2007-10-18T17:06:00.000-06:00

What's the mood, dude? Or is it dudette? For the person with Bipolar Disorder (BPD), and those around him, there is always some difficulty deciding if the present mood or personality characteristic is a normal (typical) one or not.

Everyone has both good days and bad days, so when someone with a depressive disorder has a good day, are they being hypo/hypermanic, or are they simply expressing the true positive characteristics of their personality? If they are depressed much of the time (BPD type 2), when their mood lifts, are we seeing the real person or are we seeing atypical attitudes and emotions that are to be interpreted as the manic side of their BPD cycle?

I know that at my house, this occasionally becomes a debatable issue. I sometimes feel that I'm not always being allowed to experience a good day without having to prove that I'm not going into a hypomanic phase of my BPD. That can be frustrating. I suppose, from my wife's point of view, that it's sometimes hard to remember what the non-depressed Stormy is like.

In the last twenty years, I have taken numerous personality characteristic tests, including the Keirsey Temperament Sorter and the Meyer-Briggs Personality Test, with almost exactly the same results each time. I took these tests many times when I was depressed, and yet the typology was closely similar to the times when I wasn't depressed. I believe that I can safely conclude that my true personality characteristics were emerging in spite of the masking of my bipolar disorder.

So what's the mood, dude? Is it hypomania or are you having a good day, week, or month? The following terms describe someone who could possibly be experiencing either. You will have to decide for yourself, or with a little help from your friends. Who's the true you?

Are You Sometimes?

00-EXUBERANT-full of happy high spirits and vitality
00-ZESTFUL-lively enjoyment and enthusiasm
00-ENTHUSIASTIC-showing passionate interest in something
00-GREGARIOUS-very friendly and sociable
00-OPTIMISTIC-tending to take a hopeful and positive view of future outcomes
00-SMILEY-often smiling
00-HOPEFUL-feeling fairly sure that something that is wanted will happen
00-CHEERFUL-happy and optimistic by nature
00-STIMULATED-interested in or excited about something
00-FRIENDLY-pleasant and welcoming
00-FUN LOVING-seeks and enjoys life's pleasures
00-HUMOROUS-witty or able to make people laugh
00-HAPPY-feeling or showing pleasure, contentment, or joy
00-ADVENTUROUS-willing or eager to participate in risky or exciting activities
00-DYNAMIC-full of energy, enthusiasm, and sense of purpose
00-GOOD-NATURED-having a pleasant or obliging disposition
00-INSPIRING-making somebody feel more enthusiastic, confident, or stimulated
00-LIKEABLE-pleasant and friendly, therefore easy to like
00-CHARMING-having the power to delight or attract people
00-PLAYFUL-fond of having fun and playing with others
00-PERSONABLE-having a pleasant personality and appearance
00-VIBRANT-full of liveliness and energy
00-LIGHTHEARTED-not weighed down with worries or troubles
00-WHIMSICAL-slightly odd or playfully humorous, especially in an endearing way
00-AMUSING-causing someone to smile or laugh or be amused, often in a subdued way

Maybe my wife and I can work out a compromise. I will agree to be "hypomanic" half of the time, if I can have "good days" the other half.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]
sandtward@alltel.net

And They Created

2007-10-12T13:29:00.000-06:00

Would you call me creative? I created two sons. I built a horse barn. I wrote poems to my wife. I've been known to make up my own jokes. I wrote songs during the long lonely watches in Viet Nam (none were worth hearing). I lied "creatively" to my parents. And I'm sure that there must be some other things that might be described as "creative."

Yet, I would be reluctant to put myself in the same category as the people listed below.
01-Hans Christian Anderson-writer
02-Drew Carey-actor
03-Napoleon Bonaparte-emperor
04-Jim Carey-actor
05-Agatha Christie-author
06-Winston Churchill-Prime Minister
07-Francis Ford Coppola-director
08-Patricia Cornwell-writer
09-Emily Dickinson-writer
10-TS Elliot-poet
11-Ralph Waldo Emerson-essayist
12-Robert Frost-poet
13-Sigmund Freud-scientist
14-Marilyn Monroe-actor
15-Mozart-composer
16-Isaac Newton-scientist
17-Edgar Allen Poe-writer
18-Mark Twain-writer
19-Ted Turner-media giant
20-Vincent Van Gogh-artist
21-Abraham Lincoln-president
22-Axl Rose-singer
23-Sting-singer
24-Ben Stiller-actor
25-Jane Pauley-news anchor

And the list goes on. All of the above are believed to be sufferers of Bipolar Disorder (BPD). For years, scientists have thought that there is a strong link between BPD and creativity. In recent times, Stanford University's researchers Connie Strong and Terence Ketter, MD, have made significant advances toward exploring this connection. They conducted a controlled study comparing both healthy, creative people and people from the general population. Their findings were that there was a disproportionate number of people with BPD in the creative group than was found among the general population. One of Strong's conclusions was that the "emotional range, having an emotional broadband, is the bipolar patient's advantage. It isn't the only thing going on, but something gives people with manic depression an edge, and I think it's emotional range." How mood influences the performance of artists and genius scientists will be further researched at Stanford.

There is also anecdotal evidence for a streak of creativity in BPD patients. The next time that you are at a support group meeting, ask your members if they have a creative way that they express themselves, something that might set them apart from their other acquaintances. In my case, my "creativity" is shown through my blog and my photography. I leave it up to you to decide how significant it is. This much I know. I have always had a yearning for a method to
express myself creatively. It has been an itch that I couldn't scratch, until this last year. So, for me, it is enough that I communicate my "artistic" side, however unremarkably. The only person who would be likely to see the genius in my life would be my mother, but I only need a fan club of one to be satisfied.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]
sandtward@alltel.net

Mona Lisa

2007-10-05T16:05:00.000-06:00

What made Mona Lisa smile? Was she pregnant? Had she received some good news? Did Michelangelo tell her a joke? I guess we will never know. This will always be one of the enigmas of the art world.

Smiling can become a habit, and scientists say that it is one of the best habits we could develop. It can reduce the level of stress hormones and raise the level of important neurotransmitters, like Serotonin, which is desperately needed by those of us with chronic depression.

One of the theories of psychology is a hypothesis called "facial feedback." This theory states that there are "involuntary facial movements which provide sufficient peripheral information to drive emotional experience." In other words, just smiling may improve your mood. Psychologist Dr. David Lewis says, "Seeing a smile creates what is termed a 'halo' effect helping us to remember happy events more vividly, feel more optimistic, more positive and more motivated." The caveat to this is that a "fake" smile doesn't do anything good for anyone. Just think about how happy you are(n't) when you look at your driver's license.

There are also social benefits to smiling. When you give a smile, you nearly always get one back. This reciprocal effect is one of the reasons that I enjoy smiling. In fact, it has always puzzled me a little when I look at someone and they give me a warm and interesting smile. I asked a friend about this once, and he said that I always (mostly) walk around with a little grin on my face. When I meet another person, they respond to what they see. Try it. If people don't smile back, at least they will wonder what you've been up to.

You might be surprised at other findings by professional researchers. Hewlett Packard conducted a survey which concluded that seeing a smile is more pleasurable than having sex or eating chocolates, and a smile can even generate more stimuli than other things, including receiving money. Two thousand bars of chocolate or receiving $16,000 can only give you the same amount of pleasure a smile can emanate, avers the test. Just think of the pounds that can be saved by some one's smile.

NOW, there is a negative side. In support group meetings, I've learned that many people who are chronically depressed are still functioning smilers. The drawback to that is that your acquaintances may not take your depression seriously (or believe in it at all) if you have a grin on your face.

I don't know why I smile as much as I do. For some reason, it just comes naturally. No matter how depressed I am, if someone speaks to me, I respond with a smile. I've had people remark about my "face lift" all of my life. A cousin who I hadn't seen in thirty years once said, "If I had met you on the street, I wouldn't know who you were, but I would recognize that smile anywhere." For good or for evil, that's just the way I am. Sometimes, I just wish that I didn't give the false impression of being "happy go lucky."

Though I am more optimistic when I'm depressed than some people are when they aren't depressed, I just want my depression to be taken more seriously. There are some days when I wish that others could see the pain behind the smile. Who would have thought that a smile could be a handicap? I sometimes feel a kinship with Sir Walter Scott's bride in his poem Lochinvar. She had a "...smile on her lips and a tear in her eye."

Still, I think Mark Stibich, Ph.D. has given us 10 good Reasons To Smile.

01-Smiling makes us attractive. We are drawn to people who smile. Frowns push them away.
02-Smiling changes our mood. Smiling can trick the body into helping you change your mood.
03-Smiling is contagious. It can light up the room and make others happier.
04-Smiling relieves stress.
05-Smiling boosts your immune system. Prevent the flu and colds by smiling.
06-Smiling lowers your blood pressure.
07-Smiling releases endorphins, natural pain killers and Serotonin. Smiling is a natural drug.
08-Smiling lifts the face and makes you look younger.
09-Smiling makes you seem successful.
10-Smiling helps you stay positive. When we smile, we tell our self that life is good.

Even though I don't always feel like it, I'm giving my vote for the sweetest expression in the world. If you are one of those people who have been frowning for so long that your face has frozen, take advantage of Newton's Law of Gravity and stand on your head. What goes down might go up.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

I Don't Recall

2007-09-28T13:24:00.000-06:00

If you were called to testify in a criminal or civil case, your attorney might counsel you to say, "I don't recall." It's a good tactic, if you want to avoid divulging potentially incriminating information, because no one can prove that you do indeed have memory of an event or conversation. Of course, if you do recall and it's proven, then you might find yourself subject to charges of perjury.

I could truly not recall where I parked my car on Tuesday. When I came out of the library, I remembered that I had parked near the side door, but my car wasn't in the space I remembered. I walked up one row and down another and back up the third row. There were only three. I was sure that I had parked on the first row. Now I was beginning to worry that someone had stolen my car. I wondered, though, why anyone would be dumb enough to steal a 2002 Saturn. As I continued my search, I happened to look at my hand, and I saw then that I was holding the keys to my Nissan.

That's when I recalled that I had not driven the Saturn, but had instead driven the Nissan Versa. What a relief!! You say, "Why, everybody has done that." If that was the only problem that I had with my memory, then I wouldn't be concerned. The truth is, I frequently have problems remembering things, like my anniversary, to zip my pants, my supervisor's name. My short-term memory is awful, my intermediate is bad, and my long-term memory is best. I can easily recall how my wife used to serve me coffee in bed when we were newly-weds, even though I'm no longer pampered that way. I can't remember exactly when she stopped loving me, but it was probably within a month or so after we married. Now I have to make my own coffee.

One of the symptoms of depression is difficulty remembering things. You can't remember when your dentist appointment is, so you write it on the calendar, and then you forget to look at the calendar. Did you take your medicine or not? A pill box might help you to keep track of your medications, if only you could remember to put your pills in the box. You might forget to check to see what's in the pill container. You ask, "Did I pay those bills? Did I remember to write the check down in the check book? Did I put a stamp on the envelope?"

As I said, my long-term memory is actually pretty good. I not only remember faces, but I also remember the way people walk, even years later. I remember that I was in Gulfport, Mississippi in 1968 when I first heard Otis Redding sing "Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay." I haven't forgotten the many stories that my Dad told me as a child. I can recall the teacher who gave me a spanking in the fifth grade. I can name all of the girls I've ever kissed. Both of them.

Sadly and embarrassingly, I forget names. It only takes me about 60 seconds. I do remember a preacher admitting to having the same problem. He might have been depressed. Unfortunately, when his elderly mother would bring him face-to-face with a former acquaintance, she would tell them, "He doesn't remember you." And of course he didn't, so he would stand there with a blazing red face.

The number of things that I forget would bog down Craig's List. Now I know why. According to an article by Daniel Pendick, "Depression leaves few corners of the mind unscathed. Among the more conspicuous of the casualties is memory. Memory is but one of a suite of higher or "executive" brain functions hobbled by depression. In addition to being forgetful, a person suffering from major depression may have trouble initiating tasks, making decisions, planning future actions, or organizing thoughts." To those of us who struggle with chronic depression, all of that sounds distinctly familiar.

Dr. Constantine Lyketsos, director of neuropsychiatry at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, explains that due to ongoing depression there is a "loss of coordination between working, short-term, and long-term memory." The forms of memory act as a series of bins. According to Lyketsos, the working memory bin keeps track of events (like eating a cookie) as they happen, but only for a very brief time. An exciting or more important event might be passed from the working memory into the short-term memory bin, where we store memories for minutes or hours. Over time, some items in that bin will be transferred on to the long-term memory, where they will reside for a lifetime.

Dr. Lyketsos states that a depressed person may be too inattentive and unfocused to file passing events into short-term memory. That explains my almost immediate loss of names. He believes that it isn't so much that the depressed person has forgotten, but that the memory was never stored in the first place. There is some scientific evidence, though, that treating depression with medication and/or therapy, can help reduce memory problems.

Therefore, we can safely conclude that a good treatment plan can address many of the difficulties we experience with depression, including poor memory function.

Through the years, my wife has frequently complained about my poor memory, especially when I forget what she said to me or don't remember to complete an important task. My only defense has been to say, "Honey, I just didn't recall."

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]
sandtward@alltel.net

High And Low

2007-09-21T09:41:00.000-06:00

Finding a good therapist is a little like finding a good pet. Sometimes, it's "dog-gone" hard. It would be nice if we could just tune in to Dr. Phil everyday, and he would counsel us through the T.V. in our living room, but finding someone that we can work with is just not that easy. Therapists are like auto mechanics, some are skilled and trustworthy, and some are not.

So, how can we find a qualified person to help us adapt to a life of depression? We might begin by understanding the types of therapists that are available.

Types

01-Psychologists-Licensed practicing psychologists are specifically trained in the mind and behavior as well as diagnosis, assessment and treatment of mental, emotional, and behavioral disorders. The treatment provided is often called "talk therapy." **Not all psychologists believe that chronic depression is a result of a chemical imbalance, and they may attempt to persuade you to give up your medication. Ask them for their views on this issue.

02-Social Workers-C.S.W.s usually have earned at least a Master's Degree, and they also receive training in the prevention, diagnosis, and treatment of the above-named disorders. Their goal is to maintain physical, psychological, and social functioning.

03-Psychiatrists prescribe medication. They have the background and experience to understand how the body and the mind as a whole react when psychiatric medication is used to affect brain chemistry. Psychiatrists, as a rule, do not engage in psychotherapy.

04-Marriage and Family Therapists-These counselors have at least a Masters Degree, and have specialized training in the area of family dynamics and therapy.

05-Other mental health professionals might include Certified Counselors, Religious Counselors, and Psychiatric Nurses or Nurse Practitioners.

Locating a good therapist is most likely accomplished (a) through word of mouth, (b) professional referral, (c) church counselors, (d) support groups, or (e) the Yellow Pages. The most reliable sources are friends, family or acquaintances who have actually worked with a particular therapist.

Questions To Ask

01-What is your professional training and degree?

02-How much experience have you had with my particular mood disorder?

03-What theoretical school of thought do you follow?

04-How long are the sessions, and what is the charge per session?

05-Will you accept my insurance? Do you have a payment plan? Are your fees based on a sliding scale?

06-Have you ever been in therapy yourself? For how long?

07-Is it possible to reach you after hours for an emergency?

08-What can I expect from you and what do you expect from me in counseling?

09-How long will I need to be in therapy?

10-Are there other types of treatments for my problem that you would recommend?

11-How do you decide when therapy is done? Are you goal-oriented?

12-Do you take the lead in a session, or do you expect the client to take the lead?

13-Do you tend to focus on what has happened in the past, or on what is happening in the present?

14-What should I do if I feel that therapy is not helping me?

15-Is there a charge for the initial "get-acquainted" counseling session?

Unfortunately, many of us are unable to pay for the type of therapeutic counseling that we need or desire. Personally, that has been a little frustrating to me. I'm sure that I would benefit from therapy, as do almost all people who have chronic mood disorders, but many of us don't have the funds or insurance to get the help we need. This is a frequent complaint among support group members.

If you are able, seek out a qualified therapist who can be another asset in the treatment of your mood disorder. Taking advantage of every resource available is the best approach to controlling and living with depression.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

Have Some Fun

2007-09-14T10:20:00.000-06:00

I've been pretty depressed this week, so I think it's time to have some fun. The following is written by an unknown author, and is an example of my own personal brand of twisted humor.

NOTE: To those of you who are not from the United States, this article is a type of things that make Americans laugh. It is often described as "dry" wit. Its appeal is that it is so outrageous that it is funny. Do not take any of the statements as being meant seriously.

How To Get Ahead In Life

01-As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

02-I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion.

03-I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

04-I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

05-In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.

06-Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

07-My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

08-I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

09-I need not suffer in silence while I can moan, whimper and complain.

10-As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me for my silence.

11-When someone hurts me, I know that a lawsuit is more gratifying than forgiveness.

12-The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third step is to find someone to buy nice things for me.

13-Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

14-Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

15-I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

16-Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

17-Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear browsing the web. Instead, I will move my computer into my bedroom.

18-I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

19-Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

20-I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

What Comes Naturally

2007-09-07T09:19:00.000-06:00

The natural approach to important aspects of their life is important to some people. On August 7, 2007, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar welcomed their 17th child into this world. The Duggars have become famous for their "natural" approach to birth control. As Irving Berlin might say, they are just doing "what comes naturally."

One of the complaints that some depressives make about treatment is that prescribed medication is just not natural. For a variety of reasons, they object to taking drugs to alleviate their Bipolar Disorder (BPD) or chronic depression symptoms. The argument often offered is that if they used medications created through the science of man, they might become addicted, but if they used "natural" medicants they would not. In their mind, the use of natural substances would be superior to the use of prescribed medications.

I believe that there are a couple of major flaws in that philosophy. First, it is not consistent with the way that most people actually live. When we get a headache, very few of us take Willow Root tea to ease the pain. We go to our medicine cabinet and grab an aspirin, or other "unnatural" pain reliever. Few of us think about natural treatments when we have a stomach ache, or bad cough, or other similar ailments. Even those who disparage man-made medications seldom rush to the health food store for help with their common illnesses.

Secondly, if we consider that God created every element in the world, then it surely follows that everything is "natural." These elements may have been formulated into a medication created by members of the scientific and medical communities, but the ingredients are still made up of substances which naturally occur. Obviously, you can't create something from nothing.

Now, having said that, I do believe that those of us who are depressives should take advantage of everything that might aid in treatment of our illness, including things that are considered to be more "natural." I have long been a fan of orthomolecular psychiatry (study further), which favors the use of nutritional approaches to the treatment of depressive disorders. This community of psychiatrists, though often criticized by other doctors in their field, believe that nutrients are the building blocks for sound physical and mental health. They contend that a natural treatment should be a complementary approach to healing that supports and nourishes the body and brain, helping to counteract the effects of neurotransmitter malfunction.

Deficiencies in diet often lead to needed supplementation with Omega-3 fatty acids(fish oil), Folate, B vitamins, Zinc, Selenium, vitamin C, Choline, Phenylalanine, 5-HTP and Manganese. A holistically trained physician may offer information about alternative treatments, and a nutritionist can be an important resource.

Personally, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to improve my mental health. I would stand on my head, if it would make me feel less depressed. I believe that those of us who have a mood disorder should take advantage of every thing that might possibly help in the treatment of our illness. I would suggest, though, that we always discuss this approach with our primary psychiatric professional. Even vitamins can be taken in toxic doses.

Naturally, I exercise caution in all medical matters.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

She's A Cheater

2007-08-30T19:59:00.001-06:00

My wife is a cheater. She cheated me Tuesday. Again. In the three (+) decades we've been married, she's cheated many times. According to some researchers, women are far more likely to cheat than men.

It all started Tuesday morning. I got out of bed, ate breakfast, watched the news, showered, shaved, checked my email, and prepared for work. When it was time to leave, I picked up my briefcase, went downstairs, and dug in my pocket for my car keys. They weren't there. I went all over the house, looking for my keys. Upstairs, downstairs. Upstairs and downstairs again.

I was going to be late for work, and Teresa couldn't help me because she was on the phone. Finally, in desperation, I decided to look in the car. I thought that maybe I had left them in the ignition. When I opened the house door, there were my keys, hanging from the door knob. Quickly, I grabbed them, ran for the car and headed for work.

When I came home that afternoon, she asked me where I found my keys. I said, "Oh, they were downstairs." She shined her desk lamp into my eyes. "You found them in the door knob, didn't you?" I squirmed. "What makes you think that?" "Because I heard your keys jingling when you took them out of the lock." Then I said, "That's just cheating!! It's not fair that your hearing is so good." Yep! My wife is a cheater. I can't get away with anything.

We men have been put at an unfair disadvantage. God created women with superior hearing faculties. It has been scientifically proven. Women have better hearing than men. Some researchers say that it is four times better. Long before any research was done, I had already reached my own conclusions about this. Think about it. In your family, who is always hearing those noises that the car is making? Who hears the teenagers sneaking in? Who hears the refrigerator door opening? Who hears the pin drop?

I used to wonder why this was so. One day, as I was meditating on the greater questions of life, I realized why women hear so well. It's because that is the way that God intentionally designed them. When the hungry baby cries at night, someone has to get up. The child has to be fed. So, what sense does it make for the Daddy to hear the baby? He doesn't have any milk. Not naturally anyway. Ever since the beginning, Mommy was given the milk, so it's only reasonable to expect her to get up and feed the baby. That's why her hearing is so good. Unfortunately, Daddy sometimes has to pay the price for this plan. Occasionally, he is heard saying or doing something that would be safer left unheard.

So, what does all of this have to do with depression? Well, just because a person hears better than another (male or female), it doesn't necessarily follow that he/she will listen better. Listening is more difficult than hearing. We've all encountered people who were poor listeners, and we've been tempted to say, "Excuse me for talking while you're interrupting." If you are talking to someone who is depressed, and their input into the conversation is minimal, then you have to be an especially good listener, so that you will not only hear what they say, but also what they don't say.

Here are some Tips For Communication

01-People who are depressed don't talk much, so listen well. You must listen carefully so that you will be able to understand, comprehend and evaluate. As Job said, "Listen carefully to my words; let your ears take in what I say (Job 13:17)."

02-There are good times and bad times to talk, so be ready to take advantage of the best "mood times" to discuss things.

03-Make an offer to listen. "Whenever you feel like talking, I'll be ready to listen."

04-Don't complain about the lack of communication. Talk to family or friends who will meet your need for conversation.

05-Accept the fact that much of what you say will not be heard. Whatever part of the brain processes auditory sounds doesn't always engage when a person is depressed. They hear, but they don't hear. Sometimes, words heard don't really connect with understanding and retention.

06-Make an effort to improve your skills as a listener. These are skills that can be acquired, and great advice is found on the Internet. Listen twice before speaking once. "He who answers before listening, that is his folly and shame (Proverbs 18:13)."

07-Saying, "You never listen to me" will diminish the depressive's motivation for conversation.

08-Don't wait until you are upset to talk. If you are angry or irritated, allow some time to cool off, but don't stuff your anger and fail to communicate your feelings.

09-Be knowledgeable about depression, and understand that it is very difficult for people with a depressive mood disorder to listen back to what you are saying, and comprehend what you are trying to communicate.

10-Butter your tongue with love. Remember, during times of frustration, that you are not adversaries. You are simply two people connected at the heart, who are sometimes disconnected at the ear.

Yes, my wife is a cheater, but at least there is one person in this family who can hear the phone ring, and take time to listen to her "Ding-A-Ling."

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]
sandtward@alltel.net

Born To Be Wild

2007-08-24T10:08:00.000-06:00

My wife tells me that I have been in rebellion. According to her, I've been resisting her efforts to bring my life into order and rational response to her advice. It all started over my taking my sleeping medication twice, because I couldn't remember taking it once. Consequently, I missed a day of work due to being too sleepy to walk, much less drive.

Her plan was for me to put my meds in a pill box, so I would always know when to take them. The plan met my approval, so I did as advised. The problem began when I had gone through a weeks worth of meds, and then didn't feel like filling up the box again. I just didn't feel like it. I wasn't in the mood to organize my medications. I probably would have, in a few days, but at that specific time, I...did...not...want...to...do...it!

Then the order came down. "Fill up that pill box or else!!" Well, it wasn't put exactly that way, but that's the way I heard it. Sometimes things are said like that, and sometimes that is just the way that I hear them.

I'll admit that I have always had a problem with authority. Perhaps it's just that I resist dominance. I mean, I've never (with one exception) clashed with a police officer. I, for the most part, got along with my superior officers in the military. I obeyed my parents, until I left home. I only got one spanking at school. So, in my mind, there is really not an issue with authority, but I am resistant to any form of control.

By definition, I can't be, as my wife thinks, in rebellion. According to Webster, "rebellion is open opposition to a person or thing in a position of authority or dominance." So, it follows that she would have to have some authority over me, in order for me to rebel against it. No authority, no rebellion. Simple, isn't it?

Here's the real issue. When you have Bipolar Disorder, you yearn for self-determination. More than anything else, you want to be in control of your own destiny and your own decisions. Even regarding something as insignificant as taking your medications. It may seem juvenile to some, but I don't want someone else (not even my wife) telling me what to do. I am highly resistant to any perceived form of control. I respond well to asking, and I listen to persuasion, but I'm deaf to "telling." And I don't want to be told, asked, or persuaded, over and over again. An occasional, softly spoken reminder (pretty please, with sugar on top), might be acceptable. I don't know. It would largely depend on what kind of "mood" I'm in, I suppose.

For some reason, I've always felt a kinship with the little boy who had a conflict with his mother. He had been misbehaving (in her mind), and so she sat him down in a chair in the corner. In a moment, he was up and playing. She took him by the arm, and put in in the chair again. He stood up. Finally, she marched him back to the corner, and told him very firmly that he was to sit in that chair and not get up until she gave him permission. After a minute or so of silence, he said, "Mama, I might be sitting down on the outside, but I'm standing up on the inside."

It's really an issue of Physics. Newton's Third Law is that "for every action (control), there is an equal (or greater) and opposite reaction (rebellion)." Hmmm. Let me rethink this.

Oh, about the meds. I have faithfully taken them, without benefit of the pill box, but in a day or so I will refill the box. After I see if my wife is ready to submit to my authority.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

Oh, My Aching Head!!

2007-08-17T09:36:00.000-06:00

It could have happened any time. It might have first happened when I was 10. My Dad was always in a hurry, which meant that I was always in a hurry. When I was about 10 years old, I became interested in building an airplane or rocket. By then, I had given up the idea of flying like Superman, and had turned to more rational methods of flight. One day, I was in the backyard building a plane from crate boxes, and my Dad yelled, "If you are going with me to town, you had better hurry." So, I quickly ran to the tool shed, opened the door, threw the hammer up on the work bench, and slammed the door. That's when the pain went...all...over...my body. You see, in my haste I had slammed the door on my head.

It might have happened because my Mom finger-thumped me on the head for misbehaving. Maybe it was when I rolled my car, or when I had a pool stick broken on my noggin. It might have occurred when my fiance (now my wife) saw a horse throw me head first into a hard oak fence.

I guess the genesis of my problem doesn't matter, but the truth is, I have difficulty with thinking. Yesterday, I couldn't perform simple math functions required by my job. When I was about 30, I had some tests done to find out why I was having so many migraine headaches. One test indicated that I had some impairment in my left frontal lobe. A Cat scan showed an abnormality in the same area. A second test revealed nothing. Finally, I was sent to a clinical psychologist who told me, "Stormy, I believe that you have had some minor brain damage at some point in your life." This confirmed what some smart alecks used to say about me being "one card short of a full deck."

While even minor head trauma can cause some cognitive impairment (do some research), my problem probably originated with my teenage onset of Bipolar Disorder (BPD). In a recent Reuters News Service report, researchers at Dalhousie University have concluded that teenagers with depression may have abnormal brain structure. Imaging studies showed that adolescents with major depression tend to have a small hippocampus. This is the part of the brain associated with motivation, emotion and memory formation. Major stress and trauma, both depression triggers, can also cause the shrinkage.

Another study reported on July 20, 2007, announced that researchers at the University of Edinburgh have found that BPD is associated with a reduction in brain tissue and proves that the changes get progressively worse with each relapse. They discovered that the loss of grey matter tissue is concentrated in areas of the brain which control memory, face recognition and coordination. The researchers learned that the amount of brain tissue that's lost is greater in people who have had multiple episodes of illness and is associated with a decline in some areas of mental ability.

The above information had already been suggested by other studies. That is the reason that this writer has concluded that it is extremely important to bring depression under control, and by any and all means to reduce or stop the repetitive episodes of chronic clinical depression. One might say that the cognitive dysfunction that I have experienced might have been caused by minor brain trauma, but my belief is that it is most likely a result of many years of cycling into and out of depression.

Then again, it might be a result of too much "finger-thumping."

***********************

Benita Chick, of Hong Kong, has asked that I inform others of her site for fell0w-sufferers in that country. Her address is http://hkmentalhealthsupport.org/

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

Lie Like A Dog

2007-08-13T12:53:00.001-06:00

In my life, I've had more dogs, than dogs have fleas. I'm sure I'm forgetting some, but the breeds I can remember are: Rat Terrier, Pit Bull, Beagle, Blue Tick Hound, Black and Tan Hound, Newfoundland, Bloodhound, Boston Terrier, Schnauzer, English Sheep Dog, Saint Bernard, Chihuahua, Australian Shepherd, as well as various and sundry Mutts.

Maybe that's why I'm well acquainted with the saying, "You lie like a dog," which is a type of a pun. "You lie (tell an untruth) like a dog (lies down)." I know that I told everyone that I would be posting a new blog every Friday, but I didn't. I was halfway to Tulsa to meet my son, when I remembered that I hadn't written a blog. I did tell an untruth, but I didn't lie.

According to the Bible, "pseudos (lie)" is an intentional and deliberate falsehood, spoken to deceive another. Therefore, my legal expert (me) holds that I did not technically tell a lie. I fully intended to do what I promised, but I just plain forgot. I have discovered some new information about the problems that people who have Bipolar Disorder have with memory.

I will share that with you on Friday, if I don't forget "like a dog."

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

Depressed To Death

2007-08-03T09:58:00.000-06:00

Most Christians spend their whole life getting ready to die. Death is one appointment that we all have to keep. To the rest of the world, Christianity takes an illogical and scary position on this subject. Non-Christians can not understand why we are able to face death without fear.

Listen to the apostle Paul, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.....having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better (Philippians 1:21, 23)." Living for Christ prepares us to be with Christ. I've always like the story about the old Scotsman, who on his death-bed said, "If I die, I will be with Jesus, and if I live, Jesus will be with me." This is the attitude that enables us to face depression in this life, and to be ready for heaven in the next life.

While I'm not afraid of death, I am concerned about dying. There's a distinction between the two. Death is the point at which I will step out of this world, and step into the arms of Jesus. Death lasts less than 1/1,000,000 of a millisecond. Dying is the process that precedes death. It can last a day, a week, a month, a year or longer. If prolonged, dying can be as ugly as Hell, literally.

I spent the last two weeks of my Dad's life at his bedside. I got to see, up close and personal, the ugliness of dying. The heritage of Satan. Prior to becoming a Christian, my father spent years drinking alcohol and smoking tobacco. You may not know it, but there is a synergistic effect when you combine the two. Synergism occurs when the total effect is greater than the sum of the individual effects. One plus (+) one =three. Your body is destroyed at a more rapid rate when you combine the elements of alcohol and tobacco. My Dad died of cancer of the lungs and brain.

When my Dad passed away, I found that I was left with a phobia of dying. I feared that I would one day find myself dying with the loss of dignity that I saw in my father. Pain I can endure, but pity and embarrassment would break my heart. It has continued to be an occasional, but earnest, prayer that I would be allowed to die with dignity. Perhaps as a reward for a life of depression.

More like my mother's experience. Mom had always had good health. Even in her eighties, she was mobile, lively and happy. On the day prior to her death, I had taken her to her doctor, and he gave her the results of some tests that had been made. He said that she had cancer markers in her blood.

I knew what she was thinking. She and I both remembered how awful my father's dying had been. She wanted to avoid that, as did I. I will never forget our conversation. Mom said, "Stormy, I don't want to die with cancer. I wish I could just go to bed and never wake up." I replied, "Mama, that's the way that all of us want to go, but that just doesn't happen very often." "I know," she said, "but I don't want to die like your Dad did."

Since my mother lived in an apartment a few blocks from me, I usually called her every day to see how she was doing. Sometimes I would just drop by to talk. The day after her doctor's appointment, I received a call from my aunt Dofa. She said that she had called Mama several times and didn't get an answer.

I drove the four blocks to my mother's home, and walked inside. I called out, but heard nothing. I walked through the house, and looked out into her backyard, but I couldn't find her. I thought that maybe she was visiting with her neighbor. Finally, I went into her bedroom, and I found her lying on the floor. She was dead, but she had the most peaceful smile on her face. Really!! Evidently, Mama got her wish. I thought, "I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish she got tonight."

As you see, my parents had distinctly different manners of dying. But now, in death, they both fully understand the meaning of Paul when he wrote, "Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord--for we walk by faith, not by sight--we are of good courage,I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord (2 Corinthians 5:6-8)."

So what does all of this have to do with depression? Just this. Heaven is a place prepared for people who are prepared for heaven. Like the Scotsman, we should be able to say, "If I die, I will be with Jesus, and if I live ( in depression), Jesus will be with me."

Even depressed Christians are radical thinkers, at least as viewed by the rest of the world. "Therefore, we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day (2 Corinthians 5:16)." While we struggle with depression and our personal phobias, we are still a prepared people preparing ourselves for heaven. "Therefore, we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him (2 Cor.5:9)."

While we may be always depressed, we can still be confident that our manner of dying and the day of our death, are two things that are firmly and gently in the hands of God. "The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:5-7)."

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

ATTENTION!!

2007-08-01T09:21:00.000-06:00

From this date forward, I will be posting a blog on each Friday. That way, you will know the exact day (mostly) that you can expect an update. I appreciate so much the encouragement that I have received from you, and I hope to continue to hear from you.

My primary reason for the new schedule is that my mood is generally better toward the end of the week. I'm sure that you will understand. That's what this site is all about. Providing an environment where we can encourage, strengthen, show understanding, and support one another through our difficult times.

I love and appreciate you all. Keep your eyes on Jesus.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]
sandtward@alltel.net

Yada Yada

2007-07-28T12:59:00.000-06:00

They do it. All the time. You've probably seen them do it. I know I have. Even at church they do it, and they have no shame whatsoever. Now, some people claim that they are no worse than the males of the species, but my experience tells me otherwise. In fact, when I was a teenager and moved to a small town, one of them wanted to do it with me all of the time, and wouldn't take No!" for an answer.

It happens so often, that their behavior has become a joke. "A teen aged girl had been talking on the phone for 1/2 hour, and then she hung up. 'Wow,' said her father, 'That was really short. You usually talk for 2 hours. What happened?' 'Wrong number,' said the girl."

Teen aged girls and even preteens spend a lot of time talking. They talk at school, they talk on the phone, they text-message each other, and now, they use social networking to stay in touch. What a boy can say with "Yeah," a girl can say with 30 additional words. Boys don't pass notes, girls do. Boys don't win text-messaging contests, girls do. They get a lot of practice. "Yada, yada." That's why girls and women complain that we males don't talk much. By comparison, we are strong silent types for sure.

An article by Jennifer Warner and reported by CBS News, made this statement. "Teen aged girls who bond over gripe sessions and sharing each other's problems may be doing more harm than good emotionally. A new study shows that friendships based on complaining about each other's problems may raise anxiety levels among teen girls and potentially increase the risk of depression."

Amanda J. Rose, PhD, associate professor of psychology at the University of Missouri Columbia says, "These findings are interesting because girls' intentions when discussing problems may be to give and seek positive support. However, these conversations appear to contribute to increased depression."

Researchers say the study shows talking excessively with another person about struggles, such as rehashing and dwelling on negative feelings associated with them, can have both benefits and risks for people dealing with difficult issues. But boys of the same age didn't seem to suffer the same negative emotional effects of letting it all out. Probably because their disclosures consisted of an exchange of "Bummer" and "Yeah."

If you have a teenager in your household, you might want to track the amount of time spent communicating with her best friends. As already mentioned, time spent is higher than ever before. Teen girls are talking all of the time. In ways never dreamed of in the days of their mothers. When you consider all of the time talking at home, at school, at the mall, on the cell phone, through text-messages, and on their sites at YouTube, MySpace, FaceBook, MyYearbook, Piczo, Imeem, Bebo, and Tagged, it would probably astound the average parent or even teacher. And then, you have to consider the blogs, forums and chat rooms.

Juvenile depression is a reality. Now, parents and school counselors and medical professionals have to take into consideration this new dynamic. In addition to the negative exposure that teens find on the Internet, you have to factor in what could be negative exposure to friends. Technology is creating new addictions, and baring your soul may soon become one of them. I'm going to coin a new phrase. "Yada Yada Depression."

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

Head Bone Connects To The Body Bone

2007-07-24T13:28:00.000-06:00

Do you remember the chorus to the children's song, "Dem Bones?" "The foot bone connected to the leg bone, The leg bone connected to the knee bone, The knee bone connected to the thigh bone, The thigh bone connected to the back bone, The back bone connected to the neck bone, The neck bone connected to the head bone, Oh, hear the word of the Lord!"

For me, bones and pain have been intricately connected. My broken bones include toes, ankle, ribs, sternum, fingers, thumb, wrist, elbow, nose and hip. Dem bones gonna hurt, when dey broke!! Add to that, three major operations (elbow, back and hip), several scars over 4 inches, twenty years worth of migraine headaches, and you can see that pain has long been a companion of mine. Like depression. In my particular case, though, I don't believe that there was always a direct connection. Perhaps some times, but mostly not.

The medical community has pretty much accepted the fact of a connection between the "head bone" and chronic pain. The discussion of this phenomena has caused a division of psychiatrists and pain management professionals into "egg" and "chicken" parties. There seem to be people from both professions in both groups. The major question is, "What comes first? Depression or pain?" The answer appears to be, "Yes."

The more open minded doctors and researchers see that, depending on the particular patient, either pain and depression can be a result of the other. In some cases, chronic pain (lasting more than 3 months) can cause depression to develop in the patient. Makes sense to me. I know that one year when I had daily migraines (5 out of 7 days), the pain alone was depressing. Severe pain that can't be escaped or alleviated just naturally causes a person to become depressed.

What is less obvious, though, is the manner in which depression might cause someone to develop (or feel) chronic pain. In a Newsweek article (10/27/07), James Bakalar writes that "depressed people suffer three times their share of chronic pain (and people in pain are at high risk for depression). Some studies suggest that if physicians tested all pain patients for mood problems, they might discover 60 percent of all undiagnosed depression. If you're struggling with either problem, there's a good chance you're suffering from both of them."

The connection between sensory pain and emotional pain is rooted in the nervous system. Both are governed by the same neurotransmitters (serotonin, norepinephrine, and substance P), and both are processed in the same parts of the brain. When the circuitry is working properly, pain and depression are self-limiting.

Treating chronic pain can often help reduce depression, and treating depression can, to some degree, reduce the magnitude or incidence of pain. The administration of antidepressants can sometimes reduce the pain felt. This is why the medical community is beginning to consider both problems in developing a successful treatment regimen. Dr. Matthew Bair, formerly of the Regenstrief Institute, says, "We believe that a treatment model that incorporates assessment and treatment of both depression and pain is desirable."

That makes sense to me. Even children know that the Head Bone is connected to the Body Bones.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]
sandtward@alltel.net

Good Web Sites

2007-07-21T16:14:00.000-06:00

There are many great web sites with a wealth of information about depression and bipolar disorder. Here are a few of my favorites. If you have some good ones, email me.

01-dbsalliance.org

02-nami.org

03-nimh.nih.gov

04-mentalhelp.net

05-mayoclinic.com

06-nmha.org

07-moodswing.org

08-bipolarhome.org

09-bipolarworld.net

10-clinicaltrials.gov

11-revolutionhealth.com (ratings or reviews of drugs by patients)

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

Get A Job!!!

2007-07-17T14:12:00.000-06:00

"Get A Job!!" Do you remember that old song by the Silhouettes? "Get a job. Sha na na na, sha na na na na. Every morning about this time, she gets me out of my bed, a-crying, 'Get a job.' After breakfast, everyday, she throws the want ads my way, and never fails to say, 'Get a job.' Sha na na na, sha na na na na."

But what if you can't get a job, or if you get a job, you can't keep it? How can people who are successfully employed understand the difficulty that having chronic depression or bipolar disorder creates for a job-seeker. How can they understand the embarrassment of having to answer that killer question, "Why did you leave your last job? And the one before that? And the one before that?" Over and over.

You can't help but wonder at what point the prospective employer will begin to think that there is a problem. Red flags waving. Knowing that he is formulating a plan to turn you away without letting you know that he will never hire you. No way. You can't really blame him. If you were the employer, in all honesty, you would see red flags too. The only difference is, you know what colored the flag red.

We live in a society where the most likely introductory question will be, "What do you do?" That's a question that I most hate to hear. I know that it's coming, and I get all stressed out while I'm waiting for it to come. I've tried to think of something safe and strategic to say. "I do mostly what I want to do." "Nothing that I can get out of." "Oh, this and that." "I read and walk and shop and fish and sleep and eat and watch TV and..." No matter what you say, the interrogators will never let you off the hook. They persist, "No, I mean what do you do for a living?" You can't even satisfy their relentless questioning by saying, "Well, I'm a mostly retired preacher."

"Mostly-retired" is a euphemism for mostly unemployed and mostly depressed and mostly feeling helpless. The reason that job seekers are advised to diligently look for employment is that counselors know that they will eventually begin to feel worthless, if they don't find a job pretty soon. For most of us, self-esteem is tied into our ranking in the employment hierarchy. If we are not a fully functioning member of the club, then we lose our self-respect. Even if we know that we would choose to work, if we only could.

You have no idea how hopeless and helpless a person feels when he can no longer use his education, his skills and his experience to benefit society and care for his family. It's frustrating and heart-breaking to say good-bye to your dreams, and to the self-fulfillment that comes with full time employment.

In a Newsweek article on men and depression, Dr. James Siepmann is described as a example of the disappointments faced by people struggling with chronic depression or BPD. "Siepmann, a family physician and father of five, gave up his medical practice in 2000 when his depression got so bad he couldn't bring himself to get dressed in the morning. Despite numerous types of treatment, he spends most of his days at home and can only muster the energy to shave once a week."

I wonder how many times he's heard his mind saying, "Physician, heal thyself." I can easily understand the disappointment he must feel. All of his education, skills and experience are no longer utilized to do what he is driven to do.

I got a late start on my formal education. Ten days after I graduated from high school, I entered the military. After spending a year and a half in Viet Nam, and over three years in the Seabees, I was discharged and returned to the Oklahoma workforce. I was twenty-one. In the next four years, I hopped from job to job, town to town, and state to state. Finally, following a divorce, I decided to start taking some college courses while I worked a full-time job. An hour here and an hour there.

I took my first undergraduate course when I was twenty-five, and my last undergrad course when I was forty-five. Twenty years of hard work, sacrifice and expense, so that I would be able to say, "I'm a college graduate!!"' I jokingly tell people that I was a slow learner, but I have had a healthy measure of pride in my accomplishment.

What I have in common with Dr. Siepmann and with others who struggle with mental illness, is the inability to use what I've learned to do, to accomplish what I've been trained to do. He can't serve as a physician, and I can't serve as a preacher. Both of us are miserable, I'm sure. It's not easy to become reconciled with the probability that you will never again be the person that you once were. I was a skilled teacher and preacher. It was something that I loved to do. I envisioned my entire life being spent as a preacher, but now that flame has been doused.

Those of you who don't wrestle with this problem, thank God that you have been blessed with employment. Really. Please try to understand the grief that the rest of us have to deal with. In my opinion, it's easier to recover from grieving over the loss of a loved one than it is to stop grieving over the loss of a dream and the loss of your self-esteem.

None of us who are unemployed or partly employed want pity, but we do need understanding, support and respect. A dream would be good, also. We just want to ...Get A Job.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

Snake

2007-07-10T15:53:00.000-06:00

As I say, "I'm lower than a snake's belly." (awful depressed)

A Funny

Some aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she replied.

"And you sir," he said to the student from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan responded, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
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["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

Disrespect

2007-07-04T09:43:00.000-06:00

Many of us can remember growing up in an era when disrespect was not tolerated. My parents wouldn't allow it in the home, among friends, at school or in the community. Disrespect had direct and immediate consequences. Learning to treat others with dignity and respect was a part of the good etiquette program learned at my home. In fact, my parents often said, "If you see someone being picked on, ridiculed or shunned, then go and make a friend of that person." This is an ideal that I've tried to live up to my entire life.

Stigma is a type of disrespect that many people who are mentally ill (like me) have to deal with on a frequent basis. It comes in many forms, both subtle and overt, but it usually is manifested by prejudice, discrimination, fear, distrust, and stereotyping. Many people might avoid socializing, working, and living near to or with someone who has a mental disorder. Stigma is primarily about disrespect. Unfortunately, everyone who is guilty of it can't be spanked.

The Language of Stigma

When I began my research about this problem, I was amazed to learn how stigma has been incorporated into much of our common language. The following is a list of words and phrases frequently used to ridicule those persons who are mentally ill. Those of us who have a mood disorder may have used these words ourselves.

(1) Around the bend; going bananas; batty; bonkers; certifiable; cracked; crazy; cuckoo; delusional; demented; deranged; disturbed; harebrained; haywire; his elevator doesn't go all of the way to the top; insane; irrational; loco.

(2) Loony; lunatic, mad; madness; maniac; men in little white coats; put you in a straight-jacket; he's mental; nuts; nutty; off your rocker; of unsound mind; he's paranoid; psycho; psychotic; schizo; raving mad; retard; screwy; screw loose; he's touched; wacko.

If you circled all of the above that you were familiar with, how many would it be? Society and we have become so used to these words that we don't even consider how hurtful and disrespectful they are.

On the bright side, on April 29th, 2002, President Bush created the New Freedom Commission on Mental Health, and declared, "Our country must make a commitment. Americans with mental illness deserve our understanding and they deserve excellent care." In addition to this commission, there is a Mental Health National Anti-Stigma Campaign sponsored by the government agency of the Department of Health and Human Services. This campaign is focused on motivating "a societal change towards social acceptance and decreasing the negative attitudes that surround mental illness."

In my opinion, stigma is a result of several factors. It is due to ignorance (lack of knowledge), fear, embarrassment, a sense of superiority, pride and disrespect. One of my personal goals is to provide encouragement, opportunities, and direction that will enable us and others to gain the knowledge necessary to understand depression and bipolar disorder. A lack of knowledge produces a lack of understanding. It has been demonstrated over and over again that a failure to understand something will often result in fear and disrespect.

Even when I've talked to church groups, I have often been approached by people who are embarrassed and reluctant to discuss the subject of mental health, especially if it is related to someone close to them. Embarrassment might even cause them to become angry and deny the reality of mental illness.

As I mentioned above, disrespect is now a national problem. We see it demonstrated by the interaction of adults, children in school, employers, and the community's attitude toward law enforcement officials and government representatives. I believe that our media makes a major contribution to these attitudes in their portrayal of parents, presidents and police persons. This all carries over into how the general public treats those of us who have some form of mental illness.

The Product of Stigma

We are not able to measure the harm that stigma causes, but in talking with others and measuring my own response, I have found that it results in (1) feelings of shame, (2) hurt, (3) fear, (4) isolation, (5) a feeling of being misunderstood, (6) loneliness and (7) secrecy. Of all of these things, I believe that we are most often self-stigmatized by secrecy. As long as we feel that mental illness is something shameful, and we make every effort to hide it from our acquaintances, we will continue to be subject to the painful effects of stigma.

How To Combat Stigma

Would you be surprised to learn that while this problem is discussed even on the Presidential level, little is written about what to do about it. Nationally, the solution is to educate (I agree) the general public, protect our rights through legislation, and force insurance companies to treat mental health problems in the same way that they would treat physical health problems. All of this is good, but what can we do about stigma?

I would suggest the following: (1) educate everyone who will listen to you. Education produces understanding, and hopefully, compassion. (2) Be assertive. There is no reason why we have to allow others to ridicule us publicly or treat us with disrespect. Assertiveness is not easy to learn. It has taken me many years, but there are some good books that will advise you on how to develop this in your life. (3) Get rid of shame, through counseling, if necessary. We have nothing to be ashamed of. We acquired this health problem through no fault of our own. (4) Do not hide your struggles. Secrecy is not the solution to stigma. The more you hide, the more disrespect you earn. Life is miserable when you have to keep a secret.

Ultimately, stigma creates a barrier to a happier life for millions of people. One in five people will have a serious struggle with depression or bipolar disorder at some time in their life. Unfortunately, of that group, only one in four will seek treatment. That is primarily because of stigma. I believe that the battle we face is not just for ourselves, but also for these others who are not living as happily and productively as they might, if they would only get the help available to them.

My friends, in my opinion, the better that we understand stigma and how to fight it, the better the rest of the world will come to understand us.

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On a personal note, I have been deeply depressed for the last week. I'm using this mornings "window of opportunity" to write this blog. When I get behind, please don't give up on me, I will always return as quickly as possible.
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["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]
sandtward@alltel.net

Another Place

2007-06-26T09:45:00.000-06:00

The first time it happened, I was about four years old. My parents were on a drive, and I was standing up in the back seat. My Dad told me several times to sit down, but I wouldn't listen. Finally, in order to teach me a lesson, he slowed down and tapped the brakes. Predictably, I fell in the floorboard of the car. Boy, was I mad. I said, "Stop this car and let me out!" Well, he did and I started walking down the side of the road. It was dark. I became scared. Finally, I told my parents that I would sit down, if they would let me back in the car. This was the first time that I ran away from home.

The second time occurred when I was nine. My mother was going to give me a spanking (surely for no reason), and I objected. I had decided that I was too big to get spankings, so I ran out into the backyard. At the time, we had a little guest house where Mom kept her canned goods. I went out to the house, packed up several jars of goodies (fruit) in a burlap feed sack, and headed for our neighbor's woods. It was the middle of the day, summertime, and all was well until I had eaten everything in the jars. About sundown, I started to get hungry and began to wonder what I was going to do with my life, now that I was on my own. I couldn't come up with any good plans. Home started to look more appealing, so finally I gave up on my plan to run away. That decision came with consequences. When I went back home, all of the doors were locked. I wanted to come in, but I couldn't get in because of my mean old mother. I beat on the back door. My mother said, "What do you want?" "I want to come in." "If you are ready to come home, you will have to take your spanking." I was faced with a tough mother and tough decision. I decided to wait until I was a little older to run away.

I was fourteen, when I ran away for the third time. My Dad and I had a bad argument. He was bossing me around and I didn't like it. I was too old to be bossed around. So, I decided to run away from home. I packed some clothes, grabbed my money and started walking. We lived about ten miles from the nearest town, so I cut across several pastures to save distance. When I reached the highway, I hitched my way to town. When I arrived, my Dad was sitting at the grocery store in his pickup. After talking for awhile, we decided to agree to disagree, and I went back home.

The fourth time I left home, I was a senior in high school and was eighteen. My Dad and I again had a really serious confrontation. We almost came to blows. I owned my own car then, so I told my Mom that I was leaving before we got into a fight. By this age, I was already beginning to exhibit signs and characteristics of Type One Bipolar Disorder. This time, my plan to run away was successful. I had money in the bank, got a part-time job and rented a teeny tiny apartment. I lived there for several months, until I enlisted in the Navy (again, running away) and graduated from high school (barely).

This pattern has pretty much existed throughout my life. One of the characteristics of Bipolar Disorder is a strong desire to run away from problems, and sometimes, people. We also run away from pain. We'll go anywhere, but usually we are drawn to some place that we've dreamed of living. Another place is always a better place.

I am the world's best armchair adventurer and traveler. My favorite section of the library is in the 917 section. That's where all of the books about interesting places are located. I love to read about Australia, or China, or Borneo, or Africa, or the Southwest, or...well, any place other than the place where I presently am. I get a bad "itch" to be somewhere else. Some place more intriguing and exciting and mysterious.

As I've mentioned before, 90% of all "bipolar" marriages end in divorce. Over the years, the closest that Teresa and I have come to divorce, was when I was experiencing mental anguish and just wanted to be someplace else. I wasn't wanting to leave her as much as I was wanting to get away from my pain of the moment. Perhaps I felt that she didn't really love me (how silly), and that she would be better off without me, so I began dreaming of a better place. Somewhere in the world where I could go off by myself, live like a hermit, avoid responsibility, hide out from society, and live until I die or the pain goes away.

Today, I know that "another place" doesn't exist. I understand my mental illness better, and I know that when I am feeling pain, it's because of my bipolar disorder, not because of any person(my wife) or any perceived problem. My "running away" fantasies are a clue to my mental state. These thoughts are only controlled by my greatest effort. I know theoretically that I'm beginning to fall prey to "stinkin' thinkin,' but my mind continually whispers that life is safer, happier, more exciting and less painful in another place. My wife, bless her heart, also understands and is sensitive to my moods, so she warns me and advises me and helps me to keep my head on straight.

Today, I know that running away is not an option. The place I'm in, is the place I need to be. With my wife, surrounded by friends and supported by a church family who loves me. For the moment, I don't want to be in "another place." This place is just fine. For today.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

Slip Sliding Away

2007-06-20T09:21:00.000-06:00

The message of Simon and Garfunkel's song has nothing to do with how I feel, but the title does. In the last week, I had noticed that I was starting to have trouble finding the words that I needed to communicate my thoughts. It's like playing with the toy where you have to find the right peg to fit the right hole, but in my case none of them seem to fit. I try the square peg, then the triangle peg, and then the rectangle peg, and none of them will go into the round hole. I'm aware of that much, so I look around for the round peg and it just can't be found, then I return to trying the other pegs. Nothing fits and I know it. I never fully lose the power to know that I don't know. Sometimes I wish I could.

It's almost as though you walk into your living room, and all of the furniture is gone. You know it's gone, but you don't remember why it's gone. The wife and kids come home from the mall, and she says, "What did you do with all of the furniture?" You reply, "I don't know. It was here just a minute ago, but now I don't know where to find it."

A preacher friend of mine told me yesterday that he couldn't imagine what it would be like to have difficulty thinking. Lucky him. I woke up this morning, after the week's cognitive struggles, to find myself depressed. Again.

I should have known that it was coming. The problem with the words should have told me that I was "slip sliding away." Losing my mental grip. I always try to hold to the positive view that maybe this time it will be different. Maybe this will just be a temporary glitch in the program. My history tells me that it's not likely, but in this case, self-deception becomes a survival technique. Holding carrots in front of horses is no different from dreams in front of depressives. Sometimes, I wish that I was truly in "La-La Land," where you are blissfully ignorant of what your problems are.

I was supposed to co-preach a lesson on depression this Sunday, but now that's not going to happen. My sermon will have to become an announcement. We will be starting our support group in a couple of weeks. You would think that if I could write, I could preach, but that's not true. When I write, there are no time constraints, and no listening audience. I can take as long as I want to finish my blog, and there's no one there to watch me or distract me or to fall asleep.

I don't know how long it will take me to get a new grip on my thoughts and my mood, but I will return as soon as I'm able. Meanwhile...I'll be Slip Sliding Away.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

Lessons Of The Garden

2007-06-19T10:40:00.000-06:00

There are some benefits to being an only child, but let me assure you, the benefits come with a cost. When you are an only child, you are the one who has to do all of the grunt work. I carried out the trash, raked the leaves, mowed the lawn, pulled weeds, fed the cows and horses, washed dishes, cleaned the stalls of manure, and every other task that didn't require any technical skills.

If you have brothers and sisters, and somebody breaks the lamp, you can always say, "He did it!" But...when you are the only child, you are also the only one whose name is on the list of suspects. Who are you going to blame? Your evil twin?

There are some benefits, though. My parents put in a garden every year. Spring was always an exciting time for me, because I knew that soon we would have good things to eat, just popping out of the ground. Especially tomatoes. I loved them, and my parents would plant some cherry tomatoes just for me. I had permission to eat all of them that I wanted, and I can remember loading up my pockets, going to my tree-house and gorging myself on those little red delights.

If you remember your Bible, you will also remember that there was a snake in the Garden of Eden. He was called the Tempter, for good reason. I discovered temptation first in my Mom and Dad's garden. One year my Dad planted a miniature apple tree, and the next year it had an apple on it. Just one. I wanted to eat that apple so badly, that my father had to warn me repeatedly to leave it alone so that it could ripen. My Dad went out to check on the garden one day, and he found that the little green apple had a bite taken out of it. It was still on the tree, but tooth marks could clearly be seen.

My name was at the head of the list of suspects. Dad said, "Stormy, I thought I told you to leave that apple alone." "Dad, you said not to pull the apple, and I didn't. I just tasted it a little bit." Well, I had to pay for that bite, and believe me, it wasn't worth the price. Some of life's hardest lessons are learned in the garden.

Jesus learned some hard lessons in the Garden of Gethsemane. First of all, He was reminded of something that we often forget. He was fully and completely human. He was also fully and completely God, but it was His humanity that was put to the test in the garden. "Since the children (God's) have flesh and blood, He too shared in their humanity... For this reason He had to be made like His brothers in every way, in order that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest...(Hebrews 2:14, 17)."

Jesus bore the titles "Son of God," and "Son of Man." In Biblical Greek, the word "son" is huios, and it means to have the nature or character of someone or something. Therefore, Jesus had both the nature of God and the nature of mankind. He was "...made like His brothers in every way...(Heb.2:17)."

When we read about the life of Christ, we see Him described as a man who got hungry and could be tempted (Matthew 4:1f). He became tired (John 4:46) and thirsty (John 19:28). He could feel compassion (Matthew 9:36), anger (Mark 3:5), disappointment (Mark 8:17-21), brotherly love (John 11:1-3), exasperation (Matthew 17:17), indignation Mark 10:13), astonishment (Matthew 8:10) and grief (John 11:33-35). Jesus had family (Mark 6:3) and friends (John 11:1-3,11) and close companions (Mark 13:3). Our Lord, in His humanity, was exactly like us.

There was a time in the Garden of Gethsemane, though, when His emotions became almost overwhelming. "Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane...He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then He said to them, 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death' (Matthew 26:36-38)." Mark's account says that the Lord was deeply distressed (Mark 14:33). Luke records that Jesus "....being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground (Luke 22:44)."

When we look at the definitions for these Greek words, we begin to understand how difficult this time, just prior to His crucifixion, was for Jesus. He was "deeply grieved" (lupeo-extremely sorrowful), and "distressed" (ademoneo-almost overwhelmed with burden of mind), and "troubled" (ekthambeo-terrified), and "anguished" (agonia-in agony of mind; suffering severe mental struggles and emotions). All of these very human responses to mental stress contributed to His feelings of abandonment, as He cried from the cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken Me (Matthew 27:46)?"

Now it should be clear that Jesus has also had to deal with sadness and distress and mental anguish, to the point of feeling almost completely overwhelmed. This is why our Lord so well understands how it feels for us when we are depressed. He has been there Himself. Jesus is familiar with our struggles, for He was the Son of Man, and from these examples of His humanity we draw comfort and the strength to endure our most difficult times.

It's true, friends. Jesus knows and Jesus cares.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God (2 Corinthians 1:3f)."

So, pass it on.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

Have You Heard The One About....?

2007-06-15T10:30:00.000-06:00

Most all of us have been abused by a "joke" beginning with "Have you heard the one about two_____who entered a bar and ...?" An informal survey of Google humor would show hundreds of jokes about drinking and drunkenness. The use of alcohol is no laughing matter, especially when it is linked with bipolar disorder and unipolar depression.

Just in the general population, those who follow such trends know that alcohol use is directly related to 40% of all violent crimes, 40% of fatal traffic accidents, 75% of spousal abuse cases, and just about every criminal activity and accidental death imaginable. You don't have to be a "good" Christian to oppose the use of alcohol. Not even a thinking and responsible citizen would encourage its use.

I could tell you personal stories about my drinking and subsequent behavior that would scorch the hair off of your head. Most all of my shameful memories are linked to drinking. Up until I became a Christian at the age of 27, alcohol ruled my life. I had been a heavy drinker since the age of fifteen. It was at that time that I started having serious problems with manic behavior and depression. Mental health professionals would not find that to be surprising at all. They know that symptoms of bipolar disorder frequently emerge during periods of chronic drinking or during withdrawal.

People with bipolar disorder are five times more likely to develop alcohol dependence than the rest of the population. Comorbid bipolar disorder and alcohol use is commonly associated with poor medication compliance, heightened severity of bipolar symptoms and poor treatment outcomes.

There is evidence of familial transmission of both alcohol abuse and bipolar disorder, suggesting that a family history of bipolar disorder or alcohol abuse can be important risk factors for these conditions. There have been alcohol addicts on both sides of my family. This is especially true of my father's side, where many of my relatives are (or have been) alcoholics.

In addition to people with BPD, those suffering from unipolar depression often abuse alcohol. I can vividly remember that vicious cycle. You feel depressed and so you self-medicate with alcohol, thinking that it will make you feel better. Then when you sober up, you feel even more depressed, so you drink to forget how depressed you were before you began drinking to relieve your depression. Sound confusing? It is perplexing behavior to those who watch it happening to someone they love. Alcohol is itself a depressant and people who are depressed shouldn't drink it.

If you suffer from mental illness of any type and you drink, you are just pouring gasoline on your fiery problem. You, or someone who loves you, should inform your mental health professional of your use of alcohol (or other drug). Evidence suggests that 25% of people who commit suicide are dependent (mentally or physically) on alcohol and 50% have alcohol in their blood when they die.

Friends, this is a serious issue. The question is, "Are you serious about dealing with your mental illness in the most effective way possible?" If you are, then you will need to take a long hard look at your involvement with alcohol. I am certain that if my drinking patterns had continued the way they were, I would not be alive today. That's why I think that sobriety, a more stable mood, and a happier life go hand-in-hand.

"Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has strife? Who has needless bruises? Who has bloodshot eyes? Those who linger over wine...(Proverbs 23:29f)."

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

sandtward@alltel.net

Look It Up!!

2007-06-11T12:43:00.000-06:00

I got a haircut last week and no one (besides my wife) has said a thing about it. I don't know why. My barber calls it a "Caesar cut." I don't know if that's because I look like a salad, or a roman emperor. There are many things I don't know.

You might say that in a lot of ways, I'm an agnostic. That word comes from the Greek term a-gnosis, without knowledge. An agnostic is a not-knower. That much I do know, or at least I think I know. Some mornings I get up not knowing much, but at least I know that I don't know. That's better than being a person who thinks he knows it all, while the rest of us know that he doesn't.

You may have heard that "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing." That's actually a misquote of Alexander Pope's Essay on Criticism (ca.1709), in which he says "A little learning is a dangerous thing..." When I teach a Bible class, I will often start by saying, "Much of what we know, just isn't so." And I have a Dictionary of Misinformation to prove it. I believe that there's nothing more dangerous than ignorance. Some may even be so bold as to say that if you are ignorant, you might justifiably be called an ignoramus. I don't know about that. That's pretty strong language.

I was taught (and now teach) that the key to learning is repetition, repetition, repetition. My teachers were not the first to come up with that idea. The apostle Peter wrote, "So I will always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have. I think it is right to refresh your memory as long as I live in the tent of this body...And I will make every effort to see that after my departure you will always be able to remember these things (2 Peter 1:12-15)." You see. Repetition, repetition, repetition.

I'm aware that I've mentioned before how important it is to educate yourself about mental illness, specifically depression and bipolar disorder. As Peter said, "I will always be ready to remind you of these things." Now, when I say educate yourself, I mean that you have to assume responsibility for acquiring knowledge of these things (and others). It's not likely that anyone else is going to teach you, so you will have to teach yourself.

My Dad only had an eighth grade education. In his generation, that was about the equivalent to having a high school diploma. Even though he eventually became an electrician, he frequently impressed me with the extent of his knowledge about a variety of subjects. One of my strongest memories is of him sitting in his chair reading, with a dictionary on the floor beside him. When I would be reading my own books, and would run across a word that I didn't know the meaning of, I would say, "Dad, what does this word mean?" His reply was always the same. "Look it up."

That was his method of teaching me to teach myself. It worked for him, and it has worked for me. We have had the same philosophy about self-education. As a child, one of the best presents I ever received was a set of encyclopedias. I nearly always had one volume in my hand, one in my bedroom and another in the bathroom (yes, I do). Even now, I keep at the ready my dictionary, thesaurus, personal library of reference books and more importantly, my computer. I'm a person who wants to know. Now, not only I, but all of us have a world of knowledge at our fingertips. If we don't know much about depression and BPD, it's because we don't want to know. We have at hand books, magazines, pamphlets, DVDs, support groups, and the WWW. There is no excuse for ignorance. Don't be an ignoramus.

This is another of my attempts to motivate you to "get in the know." Educate yourself. Look it up. And give other people the benefit and the blessing of your knowledge.

"The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out (Proverbs 18:15)."

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Bathtime

2007-06-08T16:15:00.000-06:00

At our house, there are several repetitive conversations. Before we get to that, though, I've noticed that one general difference in men and women is how they wash their bodies clean. Women, for the most part, take baths. Men, for the most part, take showers. What I can't understand is why a woman would want to sit in that old dirty bath water when they could just as easily wash it down the drain? Yuck! I suppose they might say that they aren't as dirty as we men are, and therefore, they don't really have dirty water. I say, "Pooh!"

Everyone should admit that showers are more sanitary, refreshing, and conducive to a healthy society. I know, because I shower, and I would never consider sitting in dirty water. I'm a responsible member of society, and as such, it is my moral obligation to urge showering upon every human bean in our overly crowded, grungy and grimy, messy and mucky, yea, even scummy and scuzzy world.

Which brings me back to a conversational deadlock. My office is somewhat near to the upstairs bathroom. It's the place where all of the dirt (hopefully) goes down the drain. The other night, in an attempt to maintain the ties that bind, I asked Teresa a question (I was just trying to keep open the lines of communication). She followed with this one. "I don't know why you insist on talking to me when I'm taking a bath (in dirty water)." I quickly rejoined, "I don't know why you insist on taking a bath while I'm trying to talk to you." There are times in every marriage when men have to take the intellectual highroad of facetiousness. Like now.

There are some questions that will never satisfactorily be answered, but there is one question that I'm frequently asked, and I will try to answer it today. "What resources would you recommend to people struggling with depression or BPD?"

I've not read every book on the subject, but I have read every book that came to hand. In my personal library, I have 19 volumes and several pamphlets that deal with some aspect of mental illness. Some of those are very helpful, and some just take up space. I have also read everything that is available at the public library, every place that I have lived. So, all in all, I've probably read 50+ books on mental health issues.

Using an Okie/Arkie method of citing, here are some that I would recommend. (1) The Depression Sourcebook by Brian Quinn (this helped me self-diagnose my BPD); (2) The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns (excellent for psychological depression); (3) The Lies We Believe by Frank Minirth and others; (4) Dealing With Depression Naturally by Syd Baumel (with caution); (5) Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide by David Miklowitz (very good); (6) Love Is A Choice by Frank Minirth and others; (7) The Natural Health Bible by Steven Bratman; (8) New Hope for People With Bipolar Disorder by Jan Fawcett; (9) Worry-Free Living by Frank Minirth and others; (10) Mosby's Nursing Drug Reference (in words you can understand); (11) Prescription For Nutritional Healing by Phyllis Balch; (12) Surviving Manic Depression by E. Fuller Torrey.

There are many other good books out there. I would check first at the local library, and then I would read all of the reviews on Amazon.com. Then you will be better able to decide what you want to purchase for your own library.

Coming Soon: I will share with you some websites that I have found to be helpful.

On a sadder note, another one of our members lost a son to suicide this week. This is what motivates me to be involved in this ministry. That, and my own personal needs. If you and I can help even one person, it will all be worth the time and effort. Get the word out. Do what you can to support hurting people.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Good News/Bad News

2007-06-05T09:29:00.000-06:00

A church of Christ preacher made an announcement to his local congregation. He said, "I have some good news and some bad news. This last week, I baptized seven people in the river. The bad news is that I lost two of them in the swift current."

It's unfortunate that so much of the news today, even the good news, is mixed. Frankly, as a bipolar sufferer, I'm always a little hesitant to talk about the positive things that I have happening, for fear that I will in turn have to announce that the situation has changed. That's an issue that people who have BPD (or chronic depression) have to deal with. Is what I'm now experiencing a permanent condition, or will it prove to be temporary?

Over six weeks ago, I mentioned a recent study and consequent debate that challenged the historical approach to treating BPD. March 30, 2007-"According to the Systematic Treatment Enhancement Program for Bipolar Disorder, a large placebo-controlled trial of community-dwelling patients with bipolar depression who were receiving mood stabilizers, adjunctive antidepressant therapy did not reduce symptoms of depression, neither did it increase the risk for mania."

"One group of experts was saying, 'When you get depressed, you should add an antidepressant,' and another group of experts was saying, 'When you get depressed, if you do a really good job with a mood stabilizer, you don't need an antidepressant.'

"This study proved that the latter group (the anti-antidepressant group) was correct, and that it is perfectly reasonable to treat patients without the addition of an antidepressant, as long as you are doing a good job with mood stabilizers."

Studies and conferences of this nature sometimes only add to a BPD patient's confusion. We might say, "If the medical professionals can't agree, who can we turn to for advice about the proper treatment of our disease?" This question only serves to emphasize how important it is for us to play a proactive role in reaching a conclusion about how to best stabilize our condition.

Shortly after I read this article, I spoke with my psychiatrist and passed on this information. You might remember that I had been having an increasingly serious problem with rapid-cycling. My moods were beginning to make a radical change at least twice weekly. Each time I swung into the depressed part of the cycle, I became almost incapacitated. My depressions were horrible. Also, I was becoming terribly discouraged.

My psychiatrist and I decided that it was worth taking a chance on this new approach to BPD. Since I was taking Wellbutrin for depression, I was able to immediately discontinue its use, and increase the level of Lamictal, my mood stabilizer. We increased the Lamictal dosage from 300 mgs to 400.

Within two days my depression began to lift. When I say "lift," I do not mean that it ceased to exist. The most encouraging change was that I was no longer rapid-cycling. On a scale of 1-10, with 5 being a stabilized mood, I went from a depression level of 2 to a level of 4-5. The question is always "How long will this last?"

The caveat is that this treatment approach might work for me, but not for you. As you know, everyone has a metabolism and a brain unique to them. The biochemical structure of our brain changes over time, so that what is effective at one point in time, may not be effective at another point.

Because of these things, I want to temper this "good news," by warning you to seek the advice of your medical professional before making a change in your medications. This is always the wisest course to take.

You might wonder if I would ever go against my doctor's advice. At this stage in my illness, because of the historical problems I've had with treatment-resistant depression, I might take a risk that I would not advise others to take. From my personal point of view, I dont' have much to lose and possibly much to gain. I promise to periodically tell you how I'm doing.

May God bless you. I'll talk to you again, soon.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Busy, Busy

2007-06-04T08:10:00.000-06:00

The last few days have been like a whirlwind. I have some encouraging news to share with you, but I will have to wait until tomorrow. Until then, you have my best wishes and prayers for your health and well-being.

The Impact

2007-05-30T10:35:00.000-06:00

Some of my friends have gone skydiving. I've never been tempted to do that, mainly because you sometimes have to pack your own parachute and I'm not good with my hands. They say that you don't need a parachute to go skydiving, but you need one to go twice. When a sky jockey leaves his 'chute in the plane, the fall is not the problem. It's the impact that hurts. Webster defines impact as "to strike forcefully." It is also defined as "the force of impression of one thing on another: a significant or major effect."

When I was fifteen, my father decided that we needed to move from Oklahoma City to a 250 acre farm outside of Prague, Oklahoma. That decision was to have a tremendous impact on my life. Even though I was excited about having so much land for our horses, I wasn't completely sure that I wanted to move. I was a freshman that year, and I was expected to be a state wrestling champion within the next two years. That dream was hard to give up. I was also leaving friends with whom I had gone to school for 9 years. Everything that was familiar and important to me was being left behind.

It's never fun to be the "new kid" at school. On my very first day, one of the school bullies pushed me and we got into a big fight in the hallway. During lunch, he and I, along with about 10 other boys, went to the football field to finish our disagreement. Even though I won (?) the fight, I never felt so alone in my life. I was in a strange place surrounded by people I didn't know. It was kinda scary, but I wouldn't let anyone guess it.

I didn't realize how much my father's decision had impacted my life until a few years ago. I was going through my old school journals reading the entries written by my childhood friends, and this intense feeling of sadness and loss came over me. I suddenly remembered and experienced again how I had felt about moving to a new town and school.

Webster's dictionary defines impact as "the force of impression or operation of one thing on another." Often times we are unaware of how certain events or circumstances affect us. Crime, bad health, war, divorce, bad parenting, alcohol and other drug addiction, abandonment and failure all have an immeasurable impact on the lives of men and women. The question today is, "How does depression impact the lives of caregivers and other loved ones of someone who is faced with mental health issues?" Finding an answer to that question and discovering ways to cope may help to avert burnout.

About eighteen years ago, I went to see a therapist for a number of reasons, but one of them was anger management. I thought that, as a Christian, I had overcome that problem. Typically, I would become irritated at someone or some situation, and I would say to myself, "I'm a Christian. That doesn't really bother me. I'm in control." I didn't understand that my method of control was to "stuff" my anger down some place where it wasn't noticeable. Neither to me, nor to anyone else. The day would come, though, when some minor aggravation would cause me to boil over and spew my angry feelings over whoever was in range.

Here's the advice I received from the therapist. He said, "Stormy, your problem is that you are not acknowledging your anger. You are fooling yourself into thinking that you are impervious to the common irritations of life, and yet you continually stack them up like dominoes. After awhile, the stack gets so high that it doesn't take much to knock them over, and then you blow up. What you need to do is to acknowledge the moments when you become angry before the dominoes stack up."

That was some of the best advice that I have ever received. The cure mostly hinged on continuous awareness and immediate acknowledgement of things that bothered me. This awareness enabled me to not only know when I was being irritated, but to be appropriately assertive when someone had violated my emotional comfort zone. I might say, "I'm angry because....and this is what I'm going to do about it." Or maybe, "John, what you are doing (or saying) is irritating me." That new approach worked wonders. Now, I'm not always at absolute peace with everyone else, but I'm pretty much at peace with myself, my God, and my anger.

Living with someone who is often depressed can have a tremendous impact on you, yet you might not have an awareness of the issues or be able to resolve those perfectly natural feelings. Read the following statements, looking for those which seem to reflect your inner truths.

IMPACT LIST

I feel guilty that I may be the cause of the depression.---I blame myself by feeling: "If I had done this or that..."---I feel embarrassed by his/her behavior.---This behavior is a reflection on me as a person.---I'm afraid that he/she may hurt me or someone else.---I resent being burdened with this problem (Why me, Lord?).---I get angry at this person because I feel like he/she could do better if he tried.---I feel guilty when I respond to this person in a way that I know is not helpful.---I now see many mistakes that I made in the past.---There are times when I dislike this person.---Sometimes I wish that I had never married him/her.---I get depressed myself about this situation that we are in.---I'm afraid that this person will get sick again.---The mental health professionals really don't seem to have any answers.---I am afraid to leave him/her without supervision.---I spend a lot of time feeling like I am "walking on eggs."---It has taken so much of our hard-earned money to take care of this person.---I am physically, spiritually, and emotionally tired and depleted.---I have no hope.---I wish that we had a normal life, like everyone else.

You may read the above list and feel like "bailing out." Yet, you might read the list and become more aware of how you honestly feel, and realize that you are not alone. Others have struggled with the same issues you have. Remember and read the blog on "Stinkin' Thinkin' (2/19/07). Sometimes things are not as bad as we believe. Sometimes they are, and we need awareness, an expression of our honest emotions and support. There is no doubt that mental illness has an impact on everyone connected, but it can be survived. I suggest that you speak with a counselor familiar with mental health issues, join a support group, and cling to God.

One of my favorite Bible verses is: "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy (Psalm 126:5)." I need to be frequently reminded that "this too will pass."

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Twelve Things To Do

2007-05-26T11:42:00.000-06:00

Special Note-I wish I had more hair so I could pull it with both hands. As you can see, I still haven't resolved the template issue with Google. I wish Google was a man so I could shoot him (in my mind). Meanwhile, if you want to communicate with me, my email address is sandtward@alltel.net Following is an article I thought might be informative.

Twelve things to do if your loved one has a mood disorder (author unknown)

01-Don't regard this as a family disgrace or subject of shame. Mood disorders are usually biochemical in nature, just like diabetes, and are just as treatable.

02-Don't nag, preach or lecture to the person. Chances are he/she has already told him or herself everything you can tell them. He/she will take just so much and shut out the rest. You may only increase their feeling of isolation or force them to make promises that cannot possibly be kept.

03-Guard against the "holier-than-thou" or martyr-like attitude. It is possible to create this impression without saying a word. a person suffering from a mood disorder has an emotional sensitivity such that he/she judges other people's attitudes toward him/her more by actions, even small ones, than by spoken words.

04-Don't use the "if you loved me" appeal. Since persons with mood disorders are not in control of their affliction, this approach only increases guilt. It is like saying, "If you loved me, you would not have diabetes."

05-Avoid any threats unless you think them through carefully and definitely intend to carry them out. There may be times, of course, when a specific action is necessary 6o protect children. Idle threats only make the person feel you don't mean what you say.

06-If the person uses drugs and/or alcohol, don't take it away from them or try to hide it. Usually this only pushes the person into a state of desperation and/or depression. In the end, he/she will simply find new ways of getting more drugs or alcohol if he/she wants them badly enough. This is not the time or place for a power struggle.

07-On the other hand, if excessive use of drugs and/or alcohol is really a problem, don't let the person persuade you to use drugs or drink with him/her on the grounds that it will make him/her use less. It rarely does. Besides, when you condone the use of drugs or alcohol, it is likely to cause the person to put off seeking necessary help.

08-Don't be jealous of the method of recovery the person chooses. The tendency is to think that love of home and family is enough incentive to get well, and that outside therapy should not be needed.

09-Don't expect and immediate 100 per cent recovery. In any illness, there is a period of convalescence. There may be relapses and times of tension and resentment.

10-Don't try to protect the person from situations which you believe they might find stressful or depressing. On of the quickest ways to push someone with a mood disorder away from you is to make them feel like you want them to be dependent on you.

Each person must learn for themselves what works best for the,, especially in social situations. If, for example, you try to "shush" people who ask questions about the disorder, treatment, medications, etc., you will most likely stir up old feelings of resentment and inadequacy. Let the person decide for THEMSELVES whether to answer questions, or to gracefully say "I'd prefer to discuss something else, and I really hope that doesn't offend you."

11-Don't do for the person that which he/she can do for him/herself. You cannot take the medicine for him/her; you cannot feel his/her feelings for him/her, and you can't solve his/her problems for him/her; so don't try. Don't remove problems before the person can face them, solve them or suffer the consequences.

12-Do offer love, support, and understanding in the recovery, regardless of the method chosen. Expressing disapproval of the method of treatment chosen will only deepen the person's feeling that anything they do will be wrong.

["'m so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

What's Up, Doc?

2007-05-22T14:34:00.000-06:00

I once saw a cartoon of a cigar-chewing "robust" man who said to a medical receptionist, "I'm looking for a fat doctor who smokes." Most all of us are looking for the perfect doctor. For some of us that would be a person who would validate all of our wacky ideas. I'm in favor of doctors who (1) are open-minded to new developments, (2) stay up to date, and (3) treat me as a respected and important advisor in my treatment plan.

I'm happy to report that I get all of the above at the VA hospitals that I've attended in Arkansas. In most doctor's offices you feel as though you are on a conveyor belt. After arriving early for your appointment, dealing with an inattentive receptionist, sitting for hours on a hard seat, and finally being called to the examination room, you step on the belt. It whisks you to the nurse, who takes your vitals, puts you back on the conveyor, where you fly by the doctor, answering his questions in 1.3 minutes, receive a dull needle in the old bohunkus, and are finally dumped at the feet of the cashier. Where you can stay as long as you like, filling out the mortgage application forms.

Sometimes the doctor doesn't' even look you in the eye. "What's your problem? Unh, huh. Unh, huh. Here's a prescription. Now, GET ON THAT BELT! Next patient!!!" Sound familiar? They try to cram forty-eleven patients into a time slot for 20, overbook by 59 patients, and get cranky if you dare to start asking THEM any questions.

I want a doctor who treats me as though he has all day to solve my problem. I want a doctor who is personable. I want a doctor who readily admits that he is not God. I want a doctor who is humble enough to accept any information or insight that I might have about my possible treatment options. And I think that I deserve that kind of doctor.

Far too often, the professionals in the medical community find themselves at war with others who have a different approach to medicine. Everybody is defending the "fort" of their particular treatment philosophy. It seems ironic that the Greek etymology of philosophy is the love of wisdom. It that's so, then why do so many doctors act so foolish? They seem to follow the idea that "the best offense is a good defense." So they attack each other relentlessly while ignoring their responsibility toward their patients.

I take the pragmatic approach to my health. To me, whatever works is good medicine. If it doesn't work, then it's not good medicine. I assure you, if a doctor convinced me that standing on my head would cure me of Bipolar Disorder, I would quickly become flat-headed. I want a doctor who is wise enough, humble enough, and enterprising enough to utilize anything and everything that might improve my chances of healing.

If I could afford it, I would employ an M.D., a therapist, a nutritionist, a psychiatrist, an acupuncturist, a chiropractor, and a veterinarian (if necessary) to put me on the road to good health. And I don't want a fat doctor who smokes. Believe me, I would run all of my bases and leave no bone unburied if it would make me well.

I pray that you will hold all of your treating medical professionals to a high standard. If they won't work with you, then don't you work with them. You deserve the very best!!

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Update on suicide: I received a very disturbing email this last week from a woman who lived in fear of her husband committing suicide. Last Thursday a good friend's father took his life. In the last 6 months, I have personally known three Christians who lost a close relative to suicide. I can't think of anything worse than that. Please continue to educate yourself about this issue, but if you are a survivor, do not let Satan convince you that you have anything to feel guilty about. As heart-breaking as suicide is, it is still the personal decision of the person who takes his/her life.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

SOS

2007-05-18T09:18:00.000-06:00

Suicidal thoughts, plans and attempts are an SOS for help. People don't wake up one day and say, "You know, I don't have anything else to do, I think I will commit suicide." A person who makes this decision may be somewhat impulsive, but not that impulsive. As someone who has had to struggle at times with suicidal thoughts (not actions), I know that this type of thinking is insidious. It creeps into your emotional processing and becomes attractive as a way of coping with pain. A friend of mine recently stated that suicide was a "cowards way out," but I have to disagree. It is a desperate way out.

Let me assure you, that for several reasons, I do not believe that this is a decision or action that I will ever make. That does not mean that it is not something that I have to guard against. Other than wanting to please God in all things, one prohibitive factor in my life is the shame and guilt and almost unending pain that suicide survivors have to deal with. I would not want to inflict those things on my family and friends, but love of others can sometimes even lead to suicide.

I believe that personal and crushing guilt for causing problems in another persons life is often a prime motivator for suicide. Someone thinks, "They really would be better off without me." Love, not anger, can cause a person who has illogical thinking patterns to see suicide as an expression of how much they care for someone. If they feel guilty for the negative effect their life or their illness causes another person, that guilt may suggest this radical step as being a solution to the problems of someone they care about. This might sound "crazy" to you. You need to understand that a person with suicidal thoughts is NOT thinking logically, otherwise they would not even contemplate this act.

Besides my own struggles, I have had a lot of personal experience with suicidal people. My first acquaintance with suicide occurred when I was a young adult. I received a phone call from a girl who was desperate because one of our friends had intentionally overdosed. This was before 911, so I rushed over and loaded my friend in the car and took her to the emergency room. She was hospitalized for 3 days and released into the care of her mother. All ended well.

A few years later, I was in my church office and I got another call. One of the church members screamed that her husband had a gun to his head and said that he was going to commit suicide. I broke all the speed limits on the way to their home, and when I entered their front door, he was sitting in a recliner with a pistol while his wife and daughter looked on. I sat beside him and began to quietly ask him why he felt so sad. The short story is that he was depressed, felt hopeless, and ached for someone to give him a reason to live. After talking for several hours, he gave me his gun and was taken to see a doctor. He later became a Christian and a leader in the church.

One day I was talking to my mother and another relative about my problem with depression. When I went outside, he followed me and said that he wanted to talk. He told me that he was thankful that I had shared my struggles, because he had been planning to commit suicide. I called his son and got him some help.

Then, in 1993, while I was finishing up my degree work, I became a friend and study buddy to a young woman. She began to miss classes, and one day she came to class but sat quietly, not paying attention to the lecture. I noticed that she was doodling on a piece of paper, and I was close enough to her chair to see her draw a skull. After class ended, I saw her throw the paper away. When I retrieved it, I found that she had been writing comments related to suicide, so I talked to the professor about getting her some immediate medical attention. She was put in the hospital and her parents were called. After she was released, she came to me and said, "Stormy, if you hadn't seen my note, I would not be alive today." That impressed on me the importance of paying close attention to people. She recovered and married a wonderful young Christian man.

Also, in my family, I have had an uncle, a first-cousin, and a second-cousin all commit suicide.

Although these stories are a little tedious, I just want you to see that there are a lot of people out there who are in pain. According to the Center for Disease Control, 30, 622 Americans took their lives in 2001. In 2002, 132,353 people were hospitalized following suicide attempts. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people ages 15-24, but even children as young as 10 have taken their lives.

There are many websites dedicated to information about this national tragedy. One site that I would recommend and that has several good links is at "nimh.nih.gov/medlineplus/suicide." I believe that everyone should take the time to educate themselves. We may not know how distressed our loved ones can be. Don't wait until it's too late. Statistically, 6 people will be affected by a suicide. I believe that statistic is drastically conservative. I pray that none of us will ever be one of those people.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Chuckle Cheese

2007-05-15T07:10:00.000-06:00

It all started with a casual remark made about my son's comment on the last major blog. He said, "Pretty clever, Dad." My wife remarked that "It must be a male thing." I parried by claiming that it has been scientifically proven that men have a better sense of humor than women. I nearly always resort to the proof of science when my beliefs are attacked.

But seriously, who are the punny ones in your family? The men, right? Who does the teasing? Who plays the practical jokes? Who laughs loudest and longest? Who receives great joy from tickling others? See, that is also what the scientists who did the proving observed.

Even one of my best female friends, who attended the class reunion asked, "Where did THAT (blog) come from?" Women just don't get it. It's been proven. Scientifically. A casual glance at my wife would note that she appears to have eye muscles on steroids... from rolling her lovely orbs. Listening to my jokes all of these years has never marred her skin with laugh lines.

All of this is a silly male approach to a very serious subject. If you are deeply depressed, it's extremely difficult to laugh. In fact, unaccountable tears are a key indicator that someone is suffering from depression. Therefore, perhaps laughter should be intentionally added to your medical regimen.

A casual review of web articles will demonstrate that laughter is thought to be a medical adjunct to the treatment of cancer, diabetes, chronic pain, back problems, stroke, heartburn, stress and even bad attitudes among prison inmates. Laughter is a form of medical treatment heartily recommended by the International Association of Scientific Proofers. As we might expect. Check it out, read the web.

As a man who has suffered from chronic depression and Bipolar Disorder for over 40 years, I can state unequivocally that laughter has helped keep me sane. Of course, there are some people who have their doubts. In fact, my wife stated that you would have to be "crazy" to write something like the blog "Old Acquaintances (problem thinker)." There is a genetic male predisposition toward humor in my family. People have often said, "You have your father's laugh." When my sons and I get together, we become almost uncontrollably silly. I fully expect my grandson to carry on the paternal mark of humor. The females in our family, though, just don't "get it."

On the web are many lists of the top 100 funniest films and funniest comedians. Some I agree with and some I don't. Unfortunately, many that are on the lists are full of vulgarity. Following are some of my personal favorites (inclusion does not mean that I approve of everything).

All of the Abbott and Costello movies, Laurel and Hardy, Keystone Cops, Spanky and Our Gang, Johnny Depp as Captain Jack, Jerry Louis, Bing Crosby, Bob Hope, Shrek, Bill Cosby, Groucho Marx, Milton Berle, Steve Martin, Lucille Ball, Mrs. Doubtfire, Bill Murray, The Office, Billy Crystal, Don Knotts, Seinfeld, Tim Allen, Peter Sellers, Ghostbusters, Harvey Korman, Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Hugh Grant, Daddy Day Camp (Eddie Murphy), When Harry Met Sally, Father of the Bride, and many others too numerous to mention.

While thinking about these, I've been inspired to start creating a "laugh library," made up of videos, books and recordings. On those days when I'm feeling really, really down, I can retreat to my laugh library for some relief. Come and join me. Even though many of my blogs are depressing (about depression), I really am a man who loves to laugh, be silly, goofy, wacky, punny, witty, facetious, amusing and humorous. It's been scientifically proven.

"There is a time to weep, and a time to laugh (Ecclesiastes 3:5)."

For those of you who have been disappointed by the lighthearted mood of my last two blogs, take comfort in the news that my next topic will be suicide.

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Please excuse the strange appearance of my blog structure. I'm pleading with Google to get it fixed.
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["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Just Returned

2007-05-14T08:13:00.000-06:00

I just returned from my trip, so I am still decompressing. I will have a new blog tomorrow. Have a great day, and if you can't have one, just have a day anyway.

Old Acquaintances

2007-05-08T17:34:00.000-06:00

This Saturday I will be attending my 4oth high school class reunion. I'm a little afraid that my classmates will have all gotten so old that they won't recognize me. Some days, I hardly recognize myself. Just thinking about it hurts my head.

The other day I was discussing with a friend the (a) problem with young people. Some schools are just not teaching them how to think. They go to college and quickly learn how to swim downstream. There is no independence or creativity in their thought processes. If they have a strong-minded professor, they will soon learn to approach everything the way that he does. That's why people who have mental health issues are so interesting. They have a totally unique way of thinking. Give THAT some thought! But be careful, thinking can be dangerous.

A psychologist once told me (honestly) that he believed that I had sustained some brain damage at some time during my life. I know that my friends who read this will all be laughing, shaking their heads and rolling their eyes, but this is not funny. In fact, it's possible that it was the cause of my becoming a problem thinker.

It started out innocently enough. I first began to think at parties now and then, just to loosen up. After awhile though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone--just "to relax," I told myself. But I knew that it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me. Finally, I was thinking all of the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Freud. I would come back to the office dizzy and confused. My mind was obsessed with questions like, "What are we doing here?"

I was having problems at home too. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my spouse about the meaning of life. She said that I was scaring her, and she began to avoid me. I could now see that we were just not well matched. We were like two opposite Polish people repelling one another. Soon, my wife began spending some nights at her mother's house.

I eventually developed a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me into his office. He said, "Stormy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. It's disrupting the whole company. You just don't fit in anymore. If you don't stop thinking, you will have to find another job." That gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early from work, and I confessed, "Honey, I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!!" Tears ran down her face as she quietly said, "It's getting serious, Stormy. You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I wanted some books. I was in the mood for some Nietzsche and Voltaire, topped off with some Solomon. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed. I fell to the ground weeping.

To this day, I believe that God was looking out for me that night. As I clawed at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for psychology, theology and philosophy, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA gathering. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video. Last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last time we met.

I still have a job, and I still have a wife. After I became used to it, life just seemed easier as soon as I stopped thinking. I know that my TA mentor will be concerned about me writing of my experiences, but surely just one thought won't hurt. Oh, alright, there have been several thoughts in this blog, but none of them really mattered.

Here's thinking to you, kid.

I Don't Really Need It

2007-05-05T10:22:00.000-06:00

"I don't really need it," is a comment often expressed by people taking medication of any kind. It's a form of denial. Doctors will tell you that noncompliance with a prescribed treatment of medication is one of the biggest frustrations that they face. This is not limited to patients who have been diagnosed with a form of mental illness.

In support group meetings, I have often heard someone say that they have not followed their doctor's advice. The reason is usually the feeling that if they are not taking medication, then they are not truly ill. They are denying the reality of their health issue, and consequently, they deny themselves the surest way of stabilizing their health.

Another reason why patients don't comply with their course of treatment is that they have become discouraged. According to the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, more than 50 per cent of individuals who took antidepressants needed to try two or more drugs before finding one that was effective. Ten per cent of patients had to try five or more drugs before finding one that was effective. In my case, I have tried a dozen medications and have still not found one that will successfully control my depression. Fortunately, I'm just stubborn enough not to give up.

Family members of depressives often try all kinds of methods to change the attitude of their loved one toward medication. Most often their efforts fail. As someone who has had Bipolar Disorder (BPD) for over 4 decades, I believe I know what is most likely to work and what isn't.

What depressives really need to hear are persuasive statements. The biggest mistake that family members or friends make is to be overly proactive toward their loved one. Whatever is said to the patient, it must be seasoned with wisdom and gentleness. My advice follows.

DO NOT nag-be persuasive
DO NOT shame-be persuasive
DO NOT command-be persuasive
DO NOT manipulate-be persuasive
DO NOT control-be persuasive

I believe that most people are open to persuasion, but they will rebel against any of the above attempts to get them to take their medication. What it takes to persuade one person may be ineffective with another. Maybe getting the advice of a counselor who works with depressives would be a good place to begin. They would have the most experience in dealing with noncompliance issues.

This much I know. Those of us who struggle with mental health issues are in desperate need of love, acceptance, understanding, support and persuasive advice. A failure to receive these things will nearly always result in noncompliance and hopelessness. In some cases, suicide.

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones (Proverbs 16:24)."

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Idiotic "Fun"????

2007-04-30T08:51:00.000-06:00

She floated like a butterfly and stung me like a bee. My first love dumped me for another boy. I will remember her as long as I live. C...... Claghorn is a name that you are not likely to forget. My introduction to infatuation began in kindergarten. "C" was one of the cutest girls that I had ever seen. Just being in the same room with her gave me babybumps. That smile, those eyes, that personality and of course, her great beauty was potent enough to cause this little boy to walk on clouds.

Infatuation led to kissing. Whoohoo! I confessed to my parents that we had kissed on the playground. My Dad said, "Stormy, you had better stop kissing that little girl, because her daddy is going to get you." I didn't care. At least, I didn't think that I did. One night, my Dad reached around behind his chair and knocked on the wall. He got up and went to the door. When I heard him say, "Well, come in Mr. Claghorn," I flew to my room and hid in the closet. Of course, my father thought that was hilarious.

Our relationship didn't end well. One day, I walked out in the hallway and saw my girlfriend kissing another boy. I was hurt and furious, so I hit him on the nose. That made me feel better. For the first time in my life, I got a charge out of violence.

My father and his own history probably had a lot to do with the way I handled disagreements with people. He came from a long line of fighters and he taught me all that he knew, which was considerable. Almost as soon as I could walk, he started teaching me how to box and wrestle. Those became two of my favorite forms of play. There was an ethic that he adhered to, though. I can hear him say, "Never start a fight, but make sure that you finish it. Don't back down from anybody, even if they are bigger than you are. Never let a bully mistreat someone who is weaker."

His ethic became my ethic. I pretty much held to those ideas until I had my last fight at age 25. He also taught me something else. "If someone starts talking about how tough he is and how he's going to knock you out, don't talk, punch." That advice helped me win a lot of fights.

It's now a shame to me, but I once counted over 50 men and boys that I had fought, from age 5 to 25. My record was pretty good. At this stage of life, though, I realize how idiotic violence is. Yet, I believe that my fist-fighting was to some degree, an expression of my bipolar manic state. I had often said that a fight left me feeling relaxed and happy and more at peace. That sounds "crazy," but it was true. It was a mood release for me. Consequently, I believe that I often "invited" someone to punch me just so I could feel "good."

I have searched the Internet looking for a connection between boxing, fighting, and bipolar disorder. It seems reasonable to me that someone who has BPD would be drawn to boxing. I know that it was a sport that appealed to me, even though I never had a chance to box. I had plenty of opportunities (?) to fight. I believe that this is an area of study that clinical psychologists should pursue. I would be interested in hearing from other men who have BPD and have a history of this type of violent behavior. If there is enough anecdotal evidence for my theory, perhaps some of the medical professionals might become interested enough to investigate this phenomena.

So, why haven't I continued to get into fist-fights? I believe that there are two very important reasons. First, probably at about age 25 I started making the transition from Type One BPD to Type Two BPD. If you have read my earlier blogs, you may remember that my doctors believe that has happened, even though it is rare. Secondly, I became a Christian and that changed my whole life. I wanted to please God, and I wanted to get in control of my anger, and I wanted to be at peace with all men in spite of their sometimes provoking behavior. The coincidence of those two events has had a radical impact on the last 33 years of my life.

Though I try to avoid the subject, sometimes my history of fighting will come up in casual conversation. I believe that one of the greatest compliments that I have ever received is when people say, "Stormy, I just can't imagine you ever fighting." That's wonderful to hear, and I pray it never changes.

Some of you may be wondering if there are any circumstances in which I might use my fists. Probably, if it was to protect another person. Possibly, if it was to protect myself. I can say with all of my heart, though, that I hope that never becomes necessary. It would deeply sadden me, and that feeling wouldn't have anything to do with my depression.

NOTE: Miss Claghorn, I want you to know that it is still over between us.

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18)."

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."}

Reality

2007-04-25T07:43:00.000-06:00

The reality of my life is that I'm often depressed. I try to write in this blog at least twice a week, but lately I've just been too down to do it. The rapid cycling doesn't allow me enough "up" time to do anything. I'm tired when I go to bed, and tired when I get up. Often a nap is a necessity.

Difficulty thinking continues to plague me. I've been working part-time at the college library, but even as simple as my duties are there, it's sometimes very difficult to go to work and function the way that I need to. The fact that my photography is going well (awards and sales), just isn't enough to boost my mood for more than a few hours. At least photography gets me out of the house and gives me a purpose for the day.

I've been asked to write a brief autobiography for my upcoming 40th class reunion, but the mental and emotional energy just isn't available. Attempting to complete that task is like dragging an anchor through the jungle. People who don't have a depressive mood disorder often don't understand that those of us who do are not guilty of procrastination, but of extreme lethargy. Our engines are always idling and often remain in "park."

Sometimes, I'm afraid that I will come across as a whiner, but I don't know how to communicate how difficult everyday tasks are without taking that risk. Even a Christian gets to the point of not asking for prayers, because that would be a continual request. A person feels very alone and lonely sometimes, even though aloneness is not a reality. There are many people who have been supportive of me and my ministry, but sometimes I can't see the crowd for the darkness.

This is me, hanging on.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Faster Than A Speeding Bullet

2007-04-21T11:32:00.000-06:00

"Faster than a speeding bullet." That's how quickly my moods change. This last week I concluded that I am rapid-cycling. According to my wife, I am changing mood at least twice per week. It didn't used to be that often. This is not good.

Rapid cycling, as defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), is a change of mood with four or more episodes of mania or depression per year. In my case, I would be described as a person who is an ultra-rapid cycler. Ultradian cycling is when a change occurs several times a day. RCBPD occurs in about 15% of the bipolar population. Unfortunately, this type of bipolar disorder is extremely treatment-resistant. That has certainly been my experience.

Dr. William Coryell, a Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Iowa, reports that patients with bipolar disorder who develop a rapid-cycling pattern suffer substantial depressive morbidity and are at high risk for suicide attempts. People with this type of bipolar disorder tend to have more depressive episodes and have poorer treatment response. The frequent shifts in mood, energy and ability to function put additional stress on the patient and also on his/her relationships.

If you have bipolar disorder and are experiencing rapid-cycling, you will need to report this to your physician or psychiatrist, so that a treatment regimen can be tailored to meet your special needs. I plan to meet with my medical professionals and discuss a possible change in my medications needed for my RCBPD. My prayers are for all of you.

********************************************************************************
Photography season is now in full-swing here in Arkansas. The grass is like blades of emeralds, the birds are in abundance, the trees are putting on their spring and summer clothing, and every week is full of photographic activities.

Monday through Wednesday I went to the lake, Thursday I went to the Buffalo River, Friday I went to a baseball game and today I attended a dog show. "I'm loving it!!!" I'm depressed, but still having fun.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Good News???

2007-04-16T09:18:00.000-06:00

Have you ever had mixed feelings about good news? I remember one college course that I took, and I was pretty nervous about our first exam. It was to be an essay exam, which I think are the most difficult due to their subjective nature. The next time that our class met our professor made an announcement. There had been one person who had a perfect score (100). Yep, it was me and I was a little bit embarrassed because every one turned to look at me, some raised their eyebrows, and some were perplexed. I was forty-three years old.

Well, things got worse when our instructor began to read the class my essays. I was ready to crawl under my seat. I'm just introverted enough to not want to be in the limelight. Then, it dawned on me that with a score of 100, there is only one direction to go. It was extremely improbable that I would repeat my success on every exam. So, I received that "good news" with mixed feelings.

I now want to share what might be good news for those of us who have Bipolar Disorder. You might read about this on a number of sites, but I ran across it at the Medscape Medical News website. I will now quote some excerpts from that rather lengthy article.

March 30, 2007-"According to the Systematic Treatment Enhancement Program for Bipolar Disorder, a large placebo-controlled trial of community-dwelling patients with bipolar depression who were receiving mood stabilizers, adjunctive antidepressant therapy did not reduce symptoms of depression, neither did it increase the risk for mania."

"One group of experts was saying, 'When you get depressed, you should add an antidepressant,' and another group of experts was saying, 'When you get depressed, if you do a really good job with a mood stabilizer, you don't need an antidepressant.' This study proved that the latter group was correct, and that it is perfectly reasonable to treat patients without the addition of an antidepressant, as long as you are doing a good job with mood stabilizers."

According to this article, though, this study is being deeply scrutinized by the medical community. Some medical professionals believe that more studies need to be done before a change is made in standard treatment for patients having Bipolar Disorder.

Personally, I'm having a mixed reaction to this "good news." I don't want to take more medication than I need, and I certainly want to avoid medications that might negatively affect my treatment. On the other hand, I am concerned that I might fall into a deeper depression than is typical, if I don't continue to take antidepressants (Wellbutrin) in addition to my mood stabilizer (Lamictal).

In previous blogs, I have warned you that taking an antidepressant, without the addition of a mood stabilizer, can increase the number of depressive episodes. That is ONLY true if you have Bipolar Disorder. Those of us who have unipolar depression should continue to take our medication, unless advised otherwise by our doctor.

I'm also concerned that some patients might think they would be better off if they didn't take any medication. I believe that would be a dangerous conclusion. Discontinuance of any medication without consulting with your doctor would be ill-advised.

One of the ongoing problems that we depressives have is non-compliance with our doctor's advice and prescribed treatment. This is one of the reasons why people who have chronic clinical depression have difficulty stabilizing. In the future, I plan to discuss the critical issue of non-compliance.

So remember, "good news" might be "bad news" in disguise.
********************************************************************************

I want to thank everyone who so kindly prayed for me during my most recent episode of deep depression. I am doing better now. I have come to the conclusion that I rapid-cycle, so I will always be riding the roller-coaster.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Up Down

2007-04-07T13:56:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I woke up down. Today, I'm more deeply down than I was the day before. Tomorrow, I may be so down that I won't want to get up. The skin of my forehead is very tight, so when I lift my eyebrows, they feel as though they have been sewn to my skull. A vise is crushing my head. My energy has mutinied and when I walk, I snail along. Another episode in what feels like an eternal series. These are the kinds of times when I've said, "I've been down so long, it feels like up to me."

When the apostle Paul wrote of the depth of the Macedonian Christians' poverty (2 Corinthians 8:2), he chose the Greek word Bathos, which was commonly used to speak of extreme depth, such as the deep sea. We might readily recognize its derivative bathysphere, "a strongly built steel diving sphere used for deep-sea observation (Webster)."

Depression might be described as a "bathyspheric state of mind." That's how I'm feeling. As if I had stepped off the edge of the Mariannas Trench and I'm going down, down, down. The same brain that experienced joy last Saturday is sliding into darkness today. Why is that? How can that happen? Are the neurotransmitters in my head taking a vacation? Has Serotonin and Norepinephrine slipped into an idle mode? My brain, and what is happening in it from moment to moment, is a mystery only heaven can solve. Knowing that doesn't keep me from becoming frustrated and saddened.

I have a confession to make. I sometimes look at someone who has a physical disability and wish that I could trade. I might change my mind the moment that the trade is made, but the grass seems greener. The problem with having a mental disability is that most people can't see it. Therefore, they think that it doesn't exist. Countless times, I've had someone say to me, "You sure don't look depressed."

As people peek into the coffin of a person who has committed suicide, do they say, "He/she sure doesn't look depressed?" I had a first cousin who was 19, a straight A student, humorous, popular, and engaged to be married. One day, his fiance stopped by his apartment and found that he had shot himself. Even if they had known, people would probably have discounted his depression, because he seemed to be leading an idyllic life. According to the adage, "Looks are deceiving." Even though taken out of context, it seems that Jesus' words are still true. "Having eyes they do not see."

Sometimes the world does not see because it does not look.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Bird Brain

2007-04-04T07:25:00.000-06:00

How do you explain inexplicable behavior? This morning, while I was eating breakfast and watching the Today show, a robin kept trying to fly through my french-door windows. Over and over again. In the 20 minutes I watched, I would estimate conservatively that he flew into the window 50 times. Only an ornithologist would be able to explain that bird's behavior.

Type I Bipolar Disorder manic behavior is a little like the bird's. Full-blown mania is characterized by acts that are inexplicable. When someone you love becomes extremely irritable, has poor judgment, goes on wild spending sprees buying things that they could never use, has repeated and demeaning sexual encounters, continually puts their life in danger having "fun," is unreasonably aggressive, or commits crimes, it is a mind-bewildering experience. Everything that you thought you knew about the kindness and integrity of your loved one seems to have been an illusion. You wonder, "who have I been living with all of these years?"

Sadly, the consequences of that bizarre behavior are not only felt by the person with BPD, but are also shared by those who love them. All too often, the words of the apostle Paul come to mind. "A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life (Galatians 6:7f)."

I believe that the subject of manic behavior should be discussed among Bible scholars. Perhaps best studied by those who have a strong medical or scientific background. There are questions that at first seem to be easily answered from God's word, but serious and long-term reflection might say to us, "We don't know it all, and we certainly do not have all of the answers."

Whenever we see someone who has an obvious mental impairment, such as Downs Syndrome or brain damaged or chemically deficient, we might wonder to what degree God will hold them accountable for the acts of their life. The Bible says repeatedly that a person will one day stand before God and answer for their deeds, but does that suggest that the Lord will not view differently the person who, for whatever medical reason, seems to exhibit behavior that is outlandish and out of their control. To what degree might the structurally or chemically impaired brain be held accountable?

Those questions may never be answered in this life, but only in the life to come. Still, I am concerned about this theological conundrum. I've dedicated a large portion of my life to study of the Bible. I consider myself to be a pretty good scholar, one who can analyze and put all of the pieces together. Nevertheless, I am conflicted about these things. I need more prayer, study and reflection. I do realize that there are some things beyond our comprehension, and only God Himself knows what is truth. Wise king Solomon said, "No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all his efforts to search it out, man cannot discover its meaning. Even if a wise man claims that he knows, he cannot really comprehend it (Ecclesiastes 8:17)."

This much I know absolutely. "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him; for He knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust (Psalm 103:8-14)."

In that I take comfort and encouragement. Anyone who struggles with mental illness needs both.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Little Things

2007-04-01T13:07:00.000-06:00

Many of us, at one time or another, have been fascinated by little things. I guess that's reasonable, since we start out life as "little things." One of my favorite fairy tales as a child was the story of Thumbelina. Ah, a girlfriend that I could carry in my pocket!!

For much of my life, I was small. When I was a freshman in high school, I was a 114 pound wrestler. By the time that I was a senior, I was a 135 pound football player. Who would have guessed that I would one day grow up to weigh 180-190 pounds. I wish I would have had some of that weight when I played football. Now I dream of being small (smaller) again. I still get a chuckle when I remember Rachael Leigh-Cook saying, "I'm not small, I'm space-efficient."

Little things have a vital role in our lives. Often, though, their importance escapes our notice, and we fail to value them the way that we should. When I was a bus driver in Hot Springs, Arkansas, I learned an important lesson, one that I don't think I will ever forget.

As I drove my bus route, I often saw a handsome man standing by the side of the road on the edge of the cemetery grounds. Every morning he could found standing, staring at the cars and their drivers as they passed by. He would usually be dressed in Bermuda shorts, a nice casual shirt and tennis shoes. This gentleman was about 6' 4" tall, so you wouldn't drive by without noticing him. Even though he was attractive, it was obvious that he had probably suffered brain damage at some time in his life. Perhaps that was why he was so interested in watching the traffic.

Now, in Arkansas many people have the habit (a nice one, I think) of waving at each other as they pass in their cars and trucks. It doesn't matter that they are strangers and that you will probably never get acquainted, it is still customary to lift your hand or fingers as an expression of common courtesy.

For a time, I had a little 3 year old boy sitting behind my driver's seat. He watched everything that I did, often imitating my gestures or speech. One day, I met a local policeman on the road and I waved. My little friend then asked me, "Stormy, did that cop 'Hi' you?" "Yes, he did," I replied. He thought for a moment and then he said, "Well, he didn't 'Hi' me." He was a little disappointed.

The gentleman at the cemetery intrigued me. I wondered what his life was like, and what had caused his mental impairment. I wondered if he had anyone to love him and talk to him and go places with him. So, one day I waved, but he didn't "Hi" back. The next day and the next day I did the same, but still no response. Every day, I waved, and when I did, he would watch my bus as I drove two blocks to the corner and turned out of his sight. This went on for two, then three months. He never waved. I decided that he probably never would.

One day, I said to myself that this would be that last time that I waved at him. When I drove by and he saw my cowboy hat, he raised his hand pocket high. For several days, that was all that he did. Eventually, his hand went shoulder high. Not long after that, I was greeted with a hand-wave that reached over his head. My new "friend" began to be exuberant. When he saw me coming, he would smile and wave like there was no tomorrow.

This gentleman taught me that there is value and importance in the little things that we do. Sometimes, the gestures of kindness and attention and recognition are all that is needed to brighten some one's world.

Our church song leader learned that I had been depressed. He told me later that he didn't know what to say to me. At the time, what he did do was probably more important than what he might have said. Each Sunday, as he walked down the aisle to lead singing, he was squeeze or pat my shoulder as he passed by my pew. It was nothing remarkable. Just a "little thing," you might say, but he let me know that he cared, and that was enough for me.

Jesus once said to His apostles, "And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward (Matthew 10:42)." A reward from God for an act as small as a cup of water? That's amazing, isn't it? Jesus teaches us that all of the little things that we do for others are noticed by the Lord. Even something as "insignificant" as a hand wave.

I know that sometimes those of you who love someone who is depressed feel helpless. You seem unable to aid this person who is important to you. Today, I'm asking you to remember the lesson of the man in Hot Springs and the words of Jesus. Maybe, all we really need is for someone to bless us with a little thing.

This week, brighten some one's life with something small. Like a "Hi" or a smile or a pat or a cup of cold water. It will be greatly valued by those who are depressed and by the Lord who sees all that we do for others.

"Little things that you do let me know your love is true." (song by Bobby Goldsboro)

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Outlaws And Monkeys

2007-03-28T13:57:00.000-06:00

When I was about twelve, I became very interested in my "family tree." I asked my Mom and Dad for information about my ancestors, but they really weren't a lot of help. One day, my Dad said to me, "Stormy, I really don't think you want to do too much research on our family tree. If you go back far enough, you will find my relatives hanging from the tree by their necks and your mother's folks hanging by their tails."

Still, I never lost my interest. Knowing more about your family becomes especially important if you have a chronic depressive illness. Most of the scientific community believes that heredity is an important factor in diagnosing and understanding chronic depression. This is especially true in regards to Bipolar Disorder.

When discussing, with a doctor, the likelihood that you or someone you know has a mood disorder, I would advise that you research your family (parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.) and learn all that you can about the incidence of mental illness among your relatives. This will not be an easy task. In all probability, your family members will not be eager to disclose any problems that they or others might have with mental issues. In fact, they might become angry, resentful and defensive.

Fortunately, that was not the case in my family. I found that the more forthcoming I was about my own struggles, the more open they were about theirs. I think that there is some comfort in discovering that someone else has the same issues. After initiating the conversation, I found that many of my relatives suffered from some form of mental illness, ranging from chronic depression to schizophrenia to bipolar disorder. This was true on both sides of my family. In fact, it would have been a miracle if I had NOT had a mood disorder.

The older generation tended to describe depression as having a "nerve problem," or experiencing a "nervous breakdown." My own elderly mother had been hospitalized, but didn't realize that she had been treated for depression until I discussed it with her. Even I have had doctors who prescribed antidepressants without explaining what I was being treated for. The issue of stigma affects physicians as well as their patients, sometimes influencing the amount of information given to their patients.

I wish I had known about my family history before I married. Knowing what I know now, I would be reluctant to bring any children into the world who might possibly have as a big of a problem with depression as I have had. This is not to say that I don't love children, or that I'm not glad to be a father. I am, but I am concerned about my sons and my grandchildren and any mental health issues that they might have in the future.

I would hate for any of my descendants to claim that they were "ancestrally challenged."

Do You Know?

2007-03-24T18:36:00.000-06:00

Two psychiatrists went duck hunting and the first pointed overhead and said, "There flies a duck." The other psychiatrist replied, "Yes, but does he know he's a duck?"

There's a touch of reality buried in that joke. We don't always know who or what we are. Self-identity is especially confusing for people who have Bipolar Disorder and those who know them intimately. Because of the nature of this disease, it's difficult for all of us to separate the disorder from the essential person.

I remember that during the late sixties and early seventies young people went in search of their self-identity. Probably every generation has wondered what place they would have in the world and how people would be able to distinguish them from other humans or with what words they might be described to strangers.

Self-description can be as important as how others would speak of you. I strongly believe that when we say, "I'm Bipolar," then we have made a serious psychological mistake. If we do so, then we have added to the confusion and the difficulty in separating the disorder from our core personality and character. We become our illness, not just a person afflicted with the illness.

I can think of no other disease whose patients would identify themselves so closely with their medical condition. We would certainly be surprised if someone introduced themselves saying, "Hi. I am Cancer, or I am Diabetes or I am Heart Disease." That would sound pretty strange, but people with BP disorder will usually say, "I'm Bipolar," as if that tells others (and self) who or what they truly are.

It has long been acknowledged behavior among men for one to ask another, "What do you do?" This is usually an attempt to find a basis for relationship. Men generally judge another man's identity and worth by what they DO (occupation) rather than by what they ARE in terms of character and spirituality. Test it. The next time you are in a situation where you are being introduced to strangers, see how long it takes for someone to ask you the "do" question.

The obvious problem with that is that people are much more (sometimes less) than what they do. What do you really know about me if I say that I'm a husband, father, veteran, horse trainer, college student, minister, bartender, high-voltage lineman, salesman, counselor, bus driver, expert rifleman, document analyst, businessman or hamburger cook? I've been (done) all of those things, but does knowing that get you any closer to identifying the essential me? Does changing occupations change my personality or character?

Is it any wonder that people who have Bipolar Disorder are continually having an "identity crisis?" There is surely a place where the illness ends and the true person begins, but we struggle with locating the line. Our medical professionals and our loved ones have difficulty determining which behaviors are attributable to the disorder and which are an expression of personality and character.

About two years ago, I began a quest for my own identity. I was confused myself. My method was to locate all of my old school annuals and personal letters and report cards and notes of encouragement that I have received from family, friends and co-workers. Then I began to read them carefully, compiling a list of key descriptors related to my personality or character traits. After hours of analyzing and making notes, I began to see that some remarks were consistent from childhood through adulthood. There were certain personality and character traits that most people saw, no matter how old I was or what I was "doing" or where I lived or how depressed I was.

Even though my methodology was less than perfect, I believe that I now have a better understanding of myself. I now have one more tool to battle the insidious nature of Bipolar depression. I am not "Mr. Mood Disorder." I have a name, a personality, a character, a history and an identity uniquely mine. I also have a personal manifestation of a serious mental illness. Ultimately, though, it doesn't matter whether or not I am understood by others or even myself. There is One who knows me better than anyone can. The One who identifies me as His beloved child.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all of my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. ....Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain (Psalm 139: 1-4, 6)."

Things Worse Than Depression

2007-03-20T10:05:00.000-06:00

Yes, there are things (many?) worse than depression. I'm experiencing one of those right now. Sunday, minutes after I awakened, I began to sneeze uncontrollably. One after another after another. Teresa covered her ears and the dog started to bark. My sneezes are of the Olympic variety. If they ever form a team of sneezers, I'm sure that they will make me captain. And when the dust has settled, I will wear the gold.

If I don't catch my sneezes in a towel or something durable, I'm likely to blow a hole in the sheet rock. I sneezed outside one time and the tornado sirens went off. It's no fun being a champion sneezer. It's hard to find people brave enough to be your friend.

As you probably have guessed, I have a bad cold. Three days have passed, and I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Some twisted person has called this the "common" cold. It's only common if someone else has it, but if it is yours, then it's uncommonly bad.

As I reclined in bed last night, I contemplated the meaning of it all. Now, I know that God has a purpose for everything that He created. I don't always see the purpose, but that doesn't change the fact that God has His reasons. Seriously, why did He have to bring into being the leeches and mosquitoes and chicks and tiggers? Some would say that we could also do without snakes and spiders and rats. Where can I find meaning in all of this?

I don't know. (Three of the most important words in the world.) What I pondered was the question of why the Creator created the "common" cold. Great advances have been made in science and in the treatment of cancer and diabetes and heart disease, but we have failed to find a cure for the cold. Why is that?

One possible answer has come to me. Maybe God created the cold to keep us humble. No matter how beautiful or strong or intelligent or rich or powerful you are, you still have no control over a cold. You can't buy it away or wish it away or even pray it away. At some point, you have to be humbled by that. As it is written, "A man's pride will bring him low, but a humble spirit will obtain honor (Proverbs 29:23)."

Some of us (maybe all) have to be broken so we can be mended. Pride is at the root of many of our problems. Pride creates a barrier between us and God. I believe that throughout the history of mankind, more wars have been fought because of pride that any other reason. Maybe the common cold is the Lord's form of biological warfare against all forms of pride. I don't know (three very important words).

I do know this. The common cold brings me low. It breaks me in ways that nothing else can. Truly, if I had to live with a cold for as many years as I've lived with depression, I would probably step in front of a bus. There are definitely things that are worse than depression. I thank God that my colds are of reasonably short duration. If I had to live with one for a very long time, I would certainly be...well...depressed.

["I'm so low, I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Can't Live Without Them

2007-03-16T09:31:00.000-06:00

You can't live with them, and you can't live without them." This old saying especially speaks to the heart of those who have a friend, co-worker, or family member who has a major chronic depressive disorder. In my last blog, I tried to express the feelings and struggles of those who are mentally ill. Now, I want to share a list of ideas that I've compiled for you caregivers.

01-Knowledge is power. The first step needed is to gain as much knowledge as you can about your loved one's illness. I can't overemphasize the importance of this.

02-Join a support group. There are other people sharing your struggles. Check with DBSA and NAMI for a local chapter.

03-Don't try to "fix" mental illness. It can not be done. The goal is control, not "fixing."

04-Find a medical professional that you can talk with on a one-on-one basis. If possible, go with your loved one to his/her appointments with their doctor. Try to be interactive in their care.

05-Find time for yourself doing something that you enjoy. This is to be done alone or with people other than your spouse. Be especially careful, though, that you don't develop a romantic interest in another person.

06-When your partner is in a healthy mental state, talk quietly with them about your needs and hurts. Don't confront or be judgemental, but be frank.

07-Remember, "this too shall pass."

08-Allow yourself time to reminisce about the good times. Look forward to new ones.

09-View your loved one's illness as something that you have to fight as a team.

10-Spend quality time with your extended family or church friends.

11-Allow yourself a special treat occasionally.

12-Don't try to always be the "strong one." Have a good cry.

13-Try not to take unpleasantness personally. Most of the time, it is their illness speaking, not them.

14-Let the people around you know when you are going through an especially difficult time.

15-Don't have high expectations of someone in poor mental health. You are setting yourself up for disappointment.

16-Do not turn to alcohol, drugs, or extramarital sex to take away your pain and frustrations.

17-Laughter is always good medicine. Rent some comedic movies and invite your friends to watch them with you.

18-If necessary, do not hesitate to see a marriage counselor, but do it when your spouse is mentally stable. Make sure that your counselor is knowledgeable about mental illness.

19-Don't get entangled in a "blame game." This situation is not the fault of your partner, not is it yours.

20-Make sure that God is a big part of your life. He knows, He cares, and He will strengthen you.

I will give you some more suggestions in the future. If you have anything that you believe would be helpful, please post it in the comments section.

"The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:5-7)."

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Depression and Marriage-#1

2007-03-13T12:20:00.002-06:00

Statistically, 90 per cent of all marriages involving a spouse with Bipolar Disorder end in divorce. That truly is a shocking statistic. Having just celebrated our 32nd wedding anniversary, my wife and I have beaten the odds. Up to this week. Up to this day. Up to this hour.

We don't take our marriage for granted. It has been in jeopardy many times due to my depressive illness. At times, I've wanted to quit. At times, she's wanted to quit. Fortunately, we've never both wanted to give up at the same time. We realize that if we had not had God in our lives, our marriage wouldn't have survived. He is the glue that has held us together, even when we were not sure that we wanted to be together.

Any depressive disorder takes a tremendous toll on the relationship between husband and wife. Marriage can be difficult under any circumstances, but chronic depression or manic behavior can be a killer.

Speaking from a personal perspective, when I am depressed, my emotions are all skewed. What I see and what I feel are not always reflective of reality. I become especially sensitive to what people say to me. When no harm or criticism is meant, I still hear it in the voice of my wife. It's not really there, but my depression creates it. My depressive imagination tells me that she wants a divorce. I imagine that she would rather be married to someone else. That may be true at times (I'm afraid to ask), but my irrational thinking process concludes that she feels that way all of the time.

I wouldn't blame her. I really wouldn't, but I would be deeply hurt if she left me. You see, those of us with depressive disorders often feel that we don't deserve to be loved. We think that we are unworthy of love, because of the impact of our disease on other people. We may think and feel irrationally sometimes, but not all of the time. When we are thinking clearly, we still have to accept the reality that mental illness puts an almost unbearable strain on relationships.

Guilt is the monster that consumes our self-respect. We think, "He/She would be better off without me." Those thoughts are dangerous. I believe, after much reflection and study, that feelings of guilt may often be the driving force behind suicide. I know that I come closer to the edge when I'm feeling guilty than at any other time. Those thoughts have to be fought. The reality is that our spouses probably don't feel that way at all. I know that Teresa doesn't, but I don't always believe her. I may think, "She won't admit it, but she really thinks that she would be better off without me." That's my illness lying to my brain and my heart.

I once announced to a preacher's group that I would have to leave ministry due to my depression. Following our meeting, one of the preachers asked me privately, "Do you ever feel like running away?" You see, he too had a depressive disorder. Running away from marriage and intimate relationships is a fantasy often held by those with mental illness. We believe that dropping out of marriage and people's lives is what is best for everyone concerned. Then our spouses can get on with life. A life without us to complicate everything. Again, those are feelings of guilt riding on the back of our irrational thinking.

I know, intellectually, that my wife loves me. She's proven it over and over again. She has been faithful and tolerant and understanding. She has been loyal and supportive and steadfast. All of the above are characteristics of the Biblical form of love.

The "Agape" love spoken of in the Bible is a "doing" love, not a "feeling" love. We don't always feel loving, in an emotional sense, but we can always seek the best interests of others. That is how God defines and demonstrates love.

Paul wrote, "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others (Philippians 2:4)." A careful reading of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, will show us that
Agape love is not a fleeting feeling, but it is something that we do and something we are. When we love others, even our spouses, in this manner, we are most like God. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8)."

Teresa and I have beaten the odds. We have demonstrated our love and commitment to each other year after year. Our marriage has been refined in the fire and beaten on life's anvil. With God as our glue, we will have many more years of life with one another. In spite of my depressive disorder. Maybe even because of it.

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Just A Note

2007-03-09T09:12:00.000-06:00

We're mostly moved, but my internet service will not be in order until Tuesday. Please tune in then, as I plan to discuss the important topic of How Marriage Is Impacted By Depressive Disorders.

See you then. Go with God and He will go with you.

Twisted Wisdom

2007-03-06T13:45:00.000-06:00

No, I haven't forgotten you. I've just been hip deep in moving and photography (the birds are coming back). Here's some entertainment, until I return.

*********************************************************************************

A psychiatrist was addressing a group of people who had all had experiences with the supernatural. He asked, "Who here has seen a ghost?" Everyone put up their hands. He then asked, "Who here has spoken with a ghost?" Half of the audience put up their hands. Then he enquired, "Who here has touched a ghost?" Ten per cent of the group put up their hands.

Finally, he asked, "Who here has kissed a ghost?" One little man in the back of the room raised his hand. The psychiatrist looked down from the podium at the little man and said, "Do you mean to tell me that you have actually kissed a ghost?" The man meekly replied, "Oh, No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you very well. I thought you said goat."

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For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

01-I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

02-42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

03-Remember that half of the people you know are below average.

04-For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

05-The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.

06-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

07-If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

08-How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand....

09-If all of the beautiful girls in the world were crazy about you...they would be..well..crazy.

10-Ten days ago, I was ugly, broke and unpopular. Today, I'm ten days older.

11-A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Don't mess with a teacher!

12-A woman's work is never done, unless she's single.

He who laughs last, laughs longest. He didn't get the joke.

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Spring Fever

2007-03-03T10:33:00.000-06:00

Just about the time that I was starting to get "spring fever," I woke up to snow flurries. Spring and fall are probably my favorite months. I can remember how excited I would get in the spring, when I was a little boy. After the Robins came and the grass had two or three green blades of grass, I would beg my mother to let me put on shorts and go barefooted. Then I would run and jump and fly through the air with the greatest of ease. The grass would tickle the bottoms of my feet and everything smelled so fresh and clean. This was also the time of the year when I would get my hot weather haircut, sometimes called a "Burr."

One springtime Saturday morning, when I was about five, my Dad and I went to the barber shop to get our spring haircuts. I had been watching Daniel Boone on television and I decided that I wanted to get a "mohawk" cut. Our barber argued with me, trying to talk me out of getting such a radical cut, but I insisted that I wanted a mohawk. Finally, he asked my Dad what to do, and he said, "If he wants that kind of haircut, give it to him." I had a super Dad. Our barber thought about it for awhile, and finally he said, "Stormy, I know your mother, and I just don't think I want to give you a mohawk." That was the end of that.

In the springtime the days are getting longer and the sun is getting warmer, and everyone seems to be in a better mood. There's a scientific reason for that. For some people, there is a phenomenon called Seasonal Affective Disorder, or "winter blues." Approximately 500,000 people will experience a mild to moderate depression in the winter. SAD usually begins about mid-Fall and begins to abate in the spring. Symptoms can be fatigue, loss of interest in normal activities, craving foods high in carbohydrates, social withdrawal and weight gain.

It is believed that sunlight affects the amount of Serotonin in our brains, which in turn affects our mood. This neurotransmitter is essential to good mental health, and most medical professionals agree that a low level of Serotonin is usually the cause of common biological depression. The more sunlight a person is exposed to, the less likely he is to develop S.A.D. Office workers and people who live in the extreme northern parts of the world are usually seen to be more affected by this lower exposure to sunlight. They might develop "cabin fever," and in the spring they will feel a boost in mood due to the sun's stimulation of Serotonin production. This is the reason why treatments of sun-like artificial lighting have shown to be significantly effective for relieving Seasonal Affective Disorder.

S.A.D. is an additional element to the kind of depression that I experience throughout the year. I can usually predict that I will have some improvement in mood when the days grow longer, and I'm exposed to more sunlight. Consequently, I nearly always get "spring fever" at this time of year.

We've had fairly warm weather (60s) for the last two weeks, and I now see just a hint of green showing up in the meadows. The bird and animal activity has increased, and the skies have a more dynamic blue quality. Therefore, photo opportunities are on the rise. As I drove around town this morning, I could see the heads of Daffodils peeking up from the ground. Springtime is nearly here. Yah000000000!!!

Our move into town is nearly completed, and while I will be leaving the Golden Finch and butterfly weed territory, I will be nearer to some horse ranches. New subjects for my photography hobby.

May the Lord bless your life, as He has abundantly blessed mine.

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

All Stressed Out

2007-02-28T09:15:00.000-06:00

A man went in to see his psychiatrist and he said, "Doc, I can't get any sleep. One night I dream that I'm a wigwam and the next night I dream that I'm a teepee. Then again, I dream that I'm a wigwam and then a teepee. Can you help me?" "Well," replied the doctor, "I know what your problem is. You're two tents."

Too Tense. Most all of us, at one time or another, have said, "I feel all stressed out." We know how stress feels, but we don't necessarily know what causes it. I have learned that there are some things that are regular stressors in my life, and other things that don't even faze me.

I now know that any type of sales job will put me over the edge. I've always been very skilled at sales, but after awhile it will break me down. My worst experience with this particular stressor was when I worked as a loan officer in Arizona. I had gone through some intensive training (no stress) and then had started work, but I didn't feel under pressure at all. The real problems began when we got a new District Manager. His managerial philosophy was that employees/salesmen need to be constantly pushed to meet their full potential.

The stress created by him was due to his unreasonable expectations. No matter how well you did (I wrote the largest loan in the office), he was never satisfied. He kept raising the bar, which meant that your performance was never adequate. "Well, that's pretty good, but don't tell me what you did today, tell me what you are going to do tomorrow," he would say. The constant pressure to do more and more finally got to me, and I started going into a deep depression. It was the worst that I had ever experienced. Consequently, I had to resign, even though my local office manager tried everything to help me to stay.

The curious thing about stress is that it is highly personal. What is a stressor for one person may not bother another person at all. When Teresa and I lived in Hot Springs, we were startled one morning by a loud Craaash Baaang!!! When we looked outside, we saw that a car had wrecked in front of our house. We learned later that the teenager driving had been fleeing from the police. He hit a railroad track hump, flew into the air and wrapped his car like a fortune-cookie around a utility pole.

When I ran outside, there was another man there calling 911 on his cell phone. I worked my way down a deep ditch until I could reach the car and found a boy trapped in his vehicle. The car was doubled around the pole and the kid was entangled in the wreckage. He was screaming and crying, so I tried to keep him calm until the ambulance arrived. Every time he moved he was cutting himself on the glass and twisted steel. I kept talking to him, telling him that he would be alright, and held him as still as I could. When the police, firemen and paramedics arrived, I was sure that he would not live to get to the hospital (he did). I got out of their way and went back inside of my home. When I looked in a mirror, I saw that I was covered in his blood. By the time that I had cleaned up, the firemen had cut him out of the wreckage and taken him to the hospital.

The point of the story is that I wasn't stressed at all. I've learned that those types of events don't bother me. My personal stressors are deadlines, quotas, ethical conflicts, poor job performance (like my recent job), feelings of helplessness, unmet expectations, and an inability to keep up with and fulfill my responsibilities. Stress is like poison to my mental health.

My wife, like many, gets stressed out over Thanksgiving, Christmas, financial dilemmas, family tensions, moving and other things. Every person has their own personal list of stressors. Two websites that I would recommend are: http://www.cliving.org/ (for a stress test) and http://www.helpguide.org/ (for information).

The goal for good mental health is not to avoid all stress, but simply avoid the "bad" stress. Whatever affects your well-being negatively is bad stress.

Stress Management

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from the rest of the world.

The soothing sound of a waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.

There now, doesn't that make you feel much better?

"An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up (Proverbs 12:25)."

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Hobby Happy

2007-02-25T15:39:00.000-06:00

I've been pretty depressed the last few days. When I get that low, it's difficult for me to write. I wanted to share with you something that has given me a lot of pleasure, even on seemingly pleasureless days.

I have always been a lover of the arts, especially graphic arts. Unfortunately, I seemed to have been left out of that particular pool of creative talent. I wanted to draw, paint, or sculpt, but I wasn't able to. My appreciation for people who have those talents has grown as my exposure to wonderful artists has grown.

Still, I have had a desire to express myself creatively. Whenever my wife and I would travel, we would see some of God's awesome handiwork, and I would say, "You know, if I had a good camera, I could take an award-winning photo." She would just smile. This has gone on for years and years.

Then in December of 2005, I had a financial serendipity, and I took that opportunity to purchase my first (only) digital camera. I didn't' spend a lot. The Internet purchase price was only about $250. Then I spent another $50 on photo editing software. At last, I had the tools to be creative.

It didn't take me long to read everything that the library had to offer on photography. I devoured magazines and surfed many of the websites available. As my knowledge grew, so did my enthusiasm for photography. I had delusions of grandeur.

One day, I received notice from a competition website that I had won an award. I couldn't wait to tell Teresa, "I've taken an award-winning photograph." Again the smile. I actually believe that she thought it was a fluke. Then a second award came my way, and others. I waived those award notices under her nose and beat her into submission with my success. "HA!!! and HA!! again, I said." Finally, I had someone to validate my efforts and creative vision.

I once worked with a preacher who said, "He that tooteth not his own horn, never gets tooted." That's not my intent. What I wanted to demonstrate is that people who are depressed are still capable of getting outside of themselves. We can be freed from our gray world, even if only for minutes or hours. I discovered that I could and would go on a photography "safari", even when depressed. Photography got me out of bed and out of the house. When I was unable to speak to people, I could still speak to the camera.

Photography may not be an instrument of joy for you. Your enthusiasm may be for something else. I truly believe that finding an activity/hobby, that we are capable of continuing while we are ill, can be another important factor in our recovery. Even now, as the bitter cold releases its hold on Arkansas, I am beginning to dream of new heights to climb.

For those of you who are interested in Photography, let me share some of my findings. (1) A digital camera is a must. You can view your photos right away, and thin out the ones that are less than "award-winning (thousands)." (2) Buy some photo-editing software, such as Photoshop Elements. This can usually be bought for about $50 on the net. Editing will be an additional interest, almost as much fun as shooting photos. (3) Try a few of the competition sites. You will learn from the other photographers, and their critique will help you grow. I recommend DailyAwards.com. (4) At some point, you may want sell some of your better photos through a microstock agency. I've had pretty fair success on Fotolia.com. (5) Finally, take your camera with you everywhere. "If you don't tote it, you can't take it."

If you have already found your own Hobby Happiness, let the rest of us know. I would certainly be interested in your discoveries.

"A joyful heart makes a cheerful face (Proverbs 15:13)." As Alan Bryan used to say, "If we're happy, some of us need to notify our face."

I love and appreciate you all. Your encouragement means a lot to me.

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Shoulda Hada V-8

2007-02-21T08:20:00.000-06:00

Of all the forms of irrational thinking that Dr. Burns mentions in his book, the ones that I believe get the most work are the "Should Syndrome" and Overgeneralizing. Maybe I'm only speaking from my own perspective, but these are the ones that I've struggled with more frequently than the others.

"Should" statements take a lot of forms. Some examples are: "You should...you have to....you need to...you ought to...you must..." and maybe more that I can't think of right now. What I have noticed about should statements is that they are most often used by someone who is trying to subtly manipulate you to do what they think is best. I don't know that they are always consciously trying to manipulate, but that's what it amounts to, in my opinion.

To me, they are saying, "I know what is the best course of action for you to take or the best decision to make. So therefore, this is what you should do." Actually, it usually means that "this is what I WANT you to do." There is a controlling factor at work here. That's why people who use should statements regarding someone else, get a little (maybe a lot) peeved when their "advice" isn't taken. I wonder if any of us are in a position to decide what anyone else should do?

If someone asks me what I think they ought to do in any situation, I try to help them explore the options available to them. I want them to decide what they should do, not me. If I'm really pushed though, I might respond by saying, "If I were in your position, I would..., but what may be right for me may not be right for you. That's why you have to make your own decisions."

I've been very careful to avoid telling my grown children what I think they should do. I may have an opinion about it, but I don't think it's really any of my business. They have to live with their own actions and decisions. Now, if they ask for my advice, I give it. But only if they ask.

The other form of irrational thinking that lights my fuse is Overgeneralizing. We've all heard "You always...you never...no one...everyone...not anyone...all, etc.." Most of us have not only been the recipient, but also the giver of overgeneralizing statements. We not only use them against other people, but we use them against ourselves. "I never...I always."

I try not to use these statements in reference to other people, and I usually don't allow others to use them against me. I assertively (had to learn this) say, "Now, do you want to rethink that statement? Does anyone ever "always" do anything? Every single time? I believe that you are exaggerating the situation. Now, what is the truth?"

How many of us have heard, "You never put the butter up," or "You never do your work projects on time."? I just have to respond, "Do you really mean that I've never...? Not even once? Are you sure? Do you want to rethink that?"

You see, I believe that words like "never...always...everyone....not any one" eat away at truth. They eat away at reality. It doesn't matter if they are directed toward us by other people, or they are self-directed. Any time that truth and reality are eroded, for whatever reason, our personal world is diminished. Our mental and emotional well-being are put at risk. Our patterns of thinking become irrational and unrealistic. Therefore, our view of ourselves and the world around us becomes unhealthy and can easily lead to psychological depression.

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Stinkin' Thinkin'

2007-02-19T09:19:00.000-06:00

Thinking, for someone who is depressed, is like running a marathon in lead shoes. You put out the same effort as everyone else, but you just don't get anywhere. The mere effort of cognitive functioning is fatiguing. The inability to focus, concentrate or perform normal, usually effortless, decision-making is beyond your reach. Speaking for myself, this is one of the most frustrating things about depression. Although my measured I.Q. is high, you wouldn't be able to tell it because of the difficulties I have with thinking clearly.

I tried to explain it to a friend recently. I told him that it was like having a car with an eight cylinder 440 cubic inch engine that only runs on two cylinders. It doesn't make any difference how powerful the engine (brain) is if it doesn't operate properly. You would be better off driving a four cylinder economy sedan. The disability of a dysfunctional brain is a very real one, yet many people do not understand it that way.

When I speak of Stinkin' Thinkin' though, I am not talking about the way our brain functions, but rather about the way that we use our brain. Having problems with thinking is not the same thing as having thinking problems. Thinking problems result from the development of irrational patterns of thought. Dr. Albert Ellis, the originator of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, expressed it this way. "REBT is a comprehensive approach to psychological treatment that deals not only with the emotional and behavioral aspects of human disturbance, but places a great deal of stress on its thinking component."

Dr. Ellis holds that most of our emotional and cognitive problems arise from a certain core of irrational ideas. This, I believe, is at the root of what I have described as Psychological Depression. None of us, not even Bibilical heroes/heroines of great faith, are immune from life-long patterns of irrational thinking. This is why I think that if we only address the physical, circumstantial or spiritual factors in depression, we will not be completely depression free. Successful treatment has to take all of these possible sources of depression into account. Irrational thinking is at the root of many of our problems with depression. That has certainly been my experience.

The first time that depression forced me to stop preaching, I moved from New Mexico back to Tulsa, Oklahoma. I spoke with a Christian psychologist who suggested that I read The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns. Even though Dr. Burns doesn't write from a Christian perspective, I found that most of his ideas corresponded with Biblical teaching. In fact, it was his book that prompted me to do an in-depth study of King David's life and writings.

In his book, Dr. Burns lists Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking. They are: (1) All-or-nothing thinking (if a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure) (2) Overgeneralizing (you see a single negative event as being a never-ending pattern of defeat) (3) Mental filter (you pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively) (4) Discounting the positive (a rejection of positive experiences by insisting that they don't count) (5) Jumping to conclusions (you interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion) (6) Magnification (you exaggerate the importance of your problems or shortcomings) (7) Emotional reasoning (you assume that your negative emotions reflect the way things really are) (8) "Should" statements (you tell yourself that things "should" be the way you hoped) (9) Labeling (an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking, i.e., "I'm a loser") and (10) Personalization (holding yourself responsible for something that isn't in your control).

This book, along with the Bible, has revolutionized the way that I think. I was amazed at the forms of "twisted thinking" that had developed in the way that I saw the world. Much of the change was brought about by being able to recognize when my thoughts were becoming negative and irrational. I still have a long way to go. I recommend Dr. Burns book to everyone, not just those of us who have cognitive problems. It may be a life-changer for you, and lead to healthier and happier thinking.

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

What To Say To Someone Who Is Depressed

2007-02-16T09:29:00.000-06:00

Whenever someone dies, I always struggle with finding the right words to give encouragement to the family. It seems that whatever you say is inadequate. I wonder, are words always the best way to support someone who is having a bad time?

When my parents died, there were many things said to me that I forgot within minutes. I can't recall a single encouraging word. I do remember the hugs, pats and hand holding. I do remember the people who brought food, and the people who sat all night with my Dad in his final days. I do remember the people who drove for hundreds of miles just to be there with me.

That said, words are important. Words are complementary to our physical expression of love and caring. I have preached sermons for Christians and non-Christians alike. I believe that the things I said brought some encouragement to the families, if only for a brief time. One practice that I thought would ease their pain in the days ahead was to write my eulogies. Even though I never write out my sermons, I found that people greatly appreciated the copies of the funeral sermons that I made for the family members. I know that some have kept those for years, so that they can read them over and over again.

Words have their greatest impact when they are heard or written time and time again. That is why I think that what we say to someone who is depressed should be said more than once. Those who have attended my teacher training classes have heard me say, "The key to learning is repetition, repetition, repetition." It is not enough to say to someone who is struggling, "I'm thinking of you," and then to go away feeling as though we have "done our duty." The greater the pain that someone is in, the more frequently we should give encouragement.

It's sad that insults and criticisms stick in our mind like cockleburrs, but kindnesses are quickly forgotten. Perhaps that fact should remind those of us who so desperately need to be encouraged that we also have some responsibility in preserving the memory of gentle words.

Good Things To Say

01-"No matter how you feel, God is still on your side."

02-"I love you!" (with a sincere hug)

03-"I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time. I will help you get through it."

04-"You are not alone."

05-"Have you shared this with your doctor? I would be glad to go with you."

06-"I really don't know how you feel, but I do care."

07-"I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. You must feel lonely sometimes."

08-"I can't fully understand what you are going through. Could we talk about it?"

09-"It must be difficult to pray or read your Bible. I'll be praying for you."

10-"Many strong and faithful Christians have had to struggle with depression."

11-"Can I buy you some coffee and pie? Then, if you want to , we can talk."

12-"God is on your side. He still loves you. God is on your side. He still loves you."

"An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up (Proverbs 12:25)."

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Stones And Bones

2007-02-14T12:03:00.000-06:00

I must not have been more than five years old when I came to my mother for some help. Someone had hurt my feelings. They had called me names. That was the first time that my mother ever gave me bad advice.

Her remedy was for me to say to my tormentors, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." It sounds good, because it rhymes, but in practice it just doesn't provide the comfort that's intended.

The truth is that words do hurt. They hurt when you are five and they hurt when you are fifty-five. Words will probably hurt when you are ninety-five. That is, if you can still hear them. So why is it that mothers and others offer the empty wisdom of "Stones and Bones?" Why deny the reality of how injurious the things that we say can be?

This morning a woman told me she just didn't know what to say to someone who is depressed. I told her that there are things NOT to say, and there are encouraging words that will help.

What Not To Say To Someone Who Is Depressed

(a compilation of my ideas and those of others)

01-"Stormy, you don't look crazy." (my personal favorite)

02-"You have it so good, why aren't you happy?"

03-"Christians with strong faith just don't get depressed."

04-"Stop feeling sorry for yourself."

05-"I thought that you were stronger than that."

06-"You don't look depressed."

07-"I would never believe that could happen to you."

08-"You shouldn't spend all of your time in bed. Get out and do something!"

09-"You would never catch me seeing a shrink."

10-"I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days."

11-"Just pull yourself up and get on with life."

12-"If you are depressed, you must be guilty of some sin."

13-"I would just keep quiet about it. Don't embarrass your family."

14-etc., etc.

"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18)."

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

I Stopped Praying

2007-02-12T09:59:00.000-06:00

"Two weeks ago, I stopped praying." One evening, I brought a church group to complete silence with that statement. I wanted their attention and I got it. They looked surprised, puzzled and even shocked by my declaration. After a moment, I explained to them what I meant when I said, "...I stopped praying." Actually, this statement was an expression of a spiritual breakthrough that changed the way that I prayed and the things that I prayed for.

Some people think of prayer in a pragmatic way. To them, prayer either "works" or it doesn't, depending on what they have personally experienced. Frankly, I have struggled with the idea that prayer "works." It seems to me that we most often say something like that when God has given us the answer that we wanted and even expected. When the Lord says, "Yes" to our requests, we rejoice. But what about those times when He says, "No?" I think that we usually go away disappointed in Him and His response to our prayers. Prayer is no longer "working" for us.

I'm afraid that a desire to manipulate God is at the root of our dissatisfaction. He is treated like some magical genii who must grant us our three wishes. If He cuts us one wish short, then we lose our belief in His power and even perhaps in His wisdom.

One of my great disappointments has been in my inability to continue preaching. For years, I had been serving churches, reaching disillusioned people, and helping others to walk faithfully with God. My personal identity was wrapped up in this role that Jesus had given me. The Lord had granted me my desire to preach and teach His Word. Nothing has ever given me greater satisfaction than to do that.

That's why I was heartbroken by my loss of that ability. That's why I agonized over the question of what I was now to do with my life. I can't adequately express how lost and disoriented I felt. This was especially true when people would say to me, "Stormy, I know God wants you to be preaching and teaching."

There was one couple in Colorado who repeatedly told me that they prayed for me every day, asking God to heal me of my depression. I believed then and now that the Lord has the power to heal. Sometimes, He also has the will to heal, but not every time that we ask Him to.

One day, as I lay in my bed with a migraine, there was a new thought that occurred to me. A statement made by the apostle Paul began to change my thinking. From what he wrote in 2 Corinthians, it is obvious that he had been suffering from some health issue that greatly affected his ability to serve as a preacher. He described his problem as a "thorn in the flesh, " something which tormented him.

Paul recounted his plea in this way: "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me." When I read these words, I remembered the thousands of times that I had begged God to heal my depression. I was impressed by the fact that Paul only asked three times for relief. And then the Lord's answer to the apostle changed my life. "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."

Understanding swept through my mind like a clean Spring breeze. Now I knew that God had other plans for my life. No longer would I fill the role of a preacher. No longer would I lead a church. No longer would I struggle with His will or the answer to my prayers. His "No" is a "Yes" to other things.

It was embarrassing to realize that He had been giving me the answer to my prayers for years and years, but I hadn't heard it. Now it was obvious to me that for a long time I had been resisting His plan for my life. And then I remembered Jesus, who had taught His disciples that He "did not come to be served, but to serve." Even in the face of excruciating torture and death, He humbly submitted to God saying, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

Like Him, I truly want the will of God to be done in my life. Now, I understand that I must be willing to yield to His wishes and wisdom, even when He answers my prayers with "No." Even if that means that I must be depressed for the rest of my life.

That is why I have stopped praying...for healing, and have begun to pray that His will be worked out through my weakness, so that His power will be manifested by the things that I am unable to do...not by the things that I can do.

***************

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Hurts Too Bad To Laugh

2007-02-08T08:53:00.000-06:00

In 1858, the Illinois legislature, using an obscure statute, sent Stephen A Douglas to the U.S. Senate instead of Abraham Lincoln, even though Lincoln had won the popular vote. When a friend asked the future President how he felt, he responded, "Like the boy who stubbed his toe: I am too big to cry and too badly hurt to laugh."

The numerous political disappointments that Abraham Lincoln experienced are legendary. It was his personal disappointments, though, that darkened his perspective on life. At one time, he told a fellow legislator and friend that he was so overcome with mental depression that when he was by himself he never dared carry a pocket knife. That was his life-long practice.

This week I had another disappointment. If I had a dollar for every time that I had been disappointed or had disappointed someone else, I could buy a huge ranch in New Mexico. Webster defines disappointment as failing to come up to an expectation or hope.

Hope, in a secular sense, is a desire with expectation of or belief in fulfillment. The optimist who has a depression disorder still gets out of bed with the hope of a better day. He ventures into unknown or difficult circumstances because he clings to his dreams, in spite of all of his life's disappointments. He expects things to get better, but when they don't he falls back into that pit of despair. For people who have a mental illness, it takes a long time to recover. Maybe, they will never allow hope to build up in their heart again. Disappointment hurts. So, how many times can you be hurt and still get out of bed?

As many of you know, I began a new full-time job about two months ago. I was feeling pretty good and I was given the opportunity to try to function well enough to perform the duties of employment. Tuesday, I had to give notice to my employer that I would be unable to continue working. I am beginning to be deeply depressed.

It seemed as though it happened almost over night. Last Friday, I began to notice some familiar symptoms, such as lethargy, fatigue, difficulty thinking and focusing, as well as procrastination. When I can't think or understand, I put off (even hide) things that confuse me. By Tuesday, I was unable to count money or perform my duties or even talk. After discussing the problem with my wife, I called my employer to tell him that I would need to resign. He was disappointed. I was disappointed. My wife was disappointed. One more in a long list of disappointments.

If I had a race horse, I might name him "Disappointment." Of course, his race record would probably be disappointing. (Just a little "disappointment" humor. Disappointing isn't it?) I'm getting silly now.

Which brings us back to this. People have to have something to hope for, and I'm not talking about the things that we wish for. One of my clearest memories of my childhood is the time (s) that my Dad and I sat out on the porch and looked at the stars. He pointed out the evening star and taught me to say, "Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight."

The hope talked about in the Bible is not a "wish I may, wish I might" kind of experience. It isn't "maybe so, maybe not." This word in the first century Koine Greek language has the technical meaning of "a joyful and confident expectation of good to come." Confident is the key word here. Wishful thinking doesn't carry the power of Biblical hope. Our confidence in difficult and disappointing times is not in ourselves or in good luck, but it rests on the faithfulness of God and our relationship with Him. The good to come may be temporal or it may be eternal, but it is assured to those who love the Lord. It might be summed up in a word. Heaven.

Now, if I had no hope of heaven, that would really be disappointing.

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

A....CHOOO!!!

2007-02-03T14:36:00.000-06:00

Have you ever noticed the difference in the way men and women sneeze? My wife sneezes like a mouse. An ever so soft "aachoo." I tell her, "If I wasn't going to sneeze more than that, I would just give it up." She says, "If mine were like yours, I would blow my brains out." I'll admit that my nose expulsion is just like that of the Ward men before me. It's loud enough to bring the Home Land Security boys down on my home. When I was a child, my Dad would sneeze and I would say, "That scared me, Daddy." His reply was always the same. "It scared me too!!"

Yesterday, a sniffling co-worker of mine was in my office when she called her boyfriend. In a couple of minutes, she said goodbye to her "honey." I then quoted one of my favorite boyhood poems. I said, "Toni, you should learn this poem. If you're out with your honey, and your nose is kind of runny, you might think it's funny, but it's snot." Not having heard all of my old material, she thought that bit of doggerel was original with me. Hey, if people want to give me credit for fine poetry, who am I to object?

We're now coming into the cold season. It's my least favorite time of the year. If I get a bad head cold, I'm ready to die. Hasn't happened yet, but you never know. The real problem with a head cold is that you are not sick enough to stay home, but you're too sick to go to work. That's why I much prefer to have the flu. Everyone knows that the flu is serious enough to disable you, keep you in bed for a few days, force you to read your favorite books and to watch some awful television programming. That's why I'll take the flu over a bad head cold anytime.

There is a type of depression that is similar to having a killer cold. It's called Dysthymia, and like the bad cold, it doesn't totally incapacitate you, it may not be all that noticeable to other people, but it makes you feel miserable all over. Dysthymia may be one of the most under diagnosed forms of depression, simply because it's not serious enough to capture any one's attention.

This illness masquerades as a grumpy disposition, fatigue, sleepiness (or insomnia) and a diminished interest in things formerly enjoyed. You are just not "up to snuff," as my father would say. It's not a black condition, but it does have some ugly shades of gray. Although a person only needs to be mildly depressed for two years to qualify for a diagnosis of dysthymia, many people have had this illness for years. They, and the people who know them, just accept the disease as a normal part of their presenting personality. If that's all that you have ever known, it's all you ever know.

Personally, I believe that many of my "good" days are dysthymic. If you are frequently deeply depressed as I am, then a period of moderate chronic Dysthymia is seen as a time of blessing. You are happy to see it come, because it is so much better than what you usually experience. People who live with this illness are high-functioning. They go to work, love their spouses, play with their kids, and visit with their friends, but every facet of life is diminished. It's like living in cloudy Alaska where sunny days are as rare as beautiful boxers.

The good news is that Dysthymia is much easier to treat and bring under control than most of the other forms of depression. Your quality of life will probably be much improved with proper treatment. That's why you or someone who cares about you should explore this possibility with a medical professional. It's just not necessary for you to go through life with "bad cold" depression.

Don't be fooled by Dysthymia. "Even in laughter, the heart may ache...(Proverbs 14:10)."

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Floating On My Back

2007-01-30T08:44:00.000-06:00

Well, dear friends, I'm still afloat. I feel a lot like I did when I almost drowned off the coast of Gulfport, Mississippi. A Seabee friend and I had gotten the bright idea of swimming to a little island about 1/2 mile out from the beach. I should have put bright in quotation marks. Actually, this adventure was probably one of the most idiotic ideas I ever had.

We had to cross a busy water channel to get to this island. My friend and I hadn't even considered that this waterway would be filled with boats, none of which would be able to see two little heads bobbing along. It's a wonder that we didn't have a propeller part our hair.

About halfway across, I got horrible cramps in both legs and started going down. I've always been a good swimmer and it never occurred to me that I would have any problems. I don't remember how many times that I went under, but I finally thought that maybe I could float on my back and catch my breath. That's not easy to do in choppy water. Obviously, I succeeded. After awhile my cramps went away and I was able to swim on to the island.

When we landed on the beach, we had quite a surprise. There were small dead stingrays everywhere. We looked at each other and both had the same thought. "Do we really want to swim back?" Since we had no choice, and after putting it off for as long as we could, we headed home. I know that every time something (or an imagined something) touched me, I cried out thinking that I had been stung.

Here's the lesson. There's a time to swim and a time to float. King Solomon said, "There is a time for everything...(Ecclesiastes 3:1)." The problem is that we don't always have the ability to pick the time. A depressive disorder can play havoc with your timeing. You may feel that you are adrift in choppy waters and at the mercy of forces beyond your control. It's a helpless feeling to realize that you will not be able to control your illness or the impact that it has on your life and of those who love you.

That's why I have given up control to He who is able to control all things. God has never failed me. I have never gone down "for the third time." With his help, I can make it. Without His presence in my life, I would soon be "food for the fish."

I may not be swimming, but I am still afloat.

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Hanging On

2007-01-24T09:12:00.000-06:00

Sometimes that's all you can do. Hang on. Sometimes you can't. Then begins the long slide down that dark tunnel. Well, I'm working. I get up tired and I go to bed tired. It seems that even as I learn to perform my job with greater speed and skill, I still fall behind.

In fact, my wife is now helping me part of the time, just so I can survive. That's the name of the depression game. Survival. I want to do well and I want to keep my new job. It just seems that it is SO hard. If my boss were not a Christian, I would never make it. He's kind, understanding and patient. He really wants me to succeed. He's the kind of boss everyone would like to have. But I'm sure that even he has his limits. I know that I wouldn't have the flexibility to do what I do and how I do it under any other circumstances.

I feel a little bit guilty (not too much) that I've been unable to keep up with my blog and my personal emails. I'm just unable to do much right now. I will try to keep you posted.

For you "outsiders," this is my world.

Keep the faith.

Overwhelmed????

2007-01-14T20:03:00.000-06:00

I just finished my first solo week at my new job. The first day (Monday) was horrendous. I thought that I couldn't make it. I seriously doubted my ability to do the job. Fortunately, my boss was committed to seeing me succeed. I was surprised that I didn't get fired the first day. The second day was better. I was only awful. By the third day, I was feeling a little more comfortable with my duties and actually left work with a smile on my face. Thursday and Friday was met with soaring confidence. I actually believed that I could succeed and perform my job even in times of depression. That remains to be seen.

What had concerned me from the beginning was the stress level. Certain kinds of stress (it's different for each individual) are toxic to people with Bipolar Disorder. Almost three years ago, I was ordered by my psychiatrist to avoid any job that had a moderate to high level of stress. I was also advised to only work part-time. So, it was with some misgiving that I started this fulltime job. We'll see how well I can do.

I have learned, as someone who has BPD, that I am only able to do one thing at a time. Multi-tasking is beyond my abilities. Now, I am working a fulltime job, a part-time job, trying to blog, keeping up with emails and pursuing my photography interests (I sold another photo this last week). Oh, I almost forgot about church. I will probably have to cut back, so don't be surprised at the decreasing frequency of my blogs. It is what it is.

I did something this week that many women wish they could do. I actually forgot my birthday. It's not until Tuesday, but when a friend wished me a Happy Birthday, I was confused for a moment and I asked him, "Is today my birthday?" I told Teresa that I would probably have gone a long time before I realized that an important point in history had passed.

At 58, I sure hope that I'm way past middle age. Since I'm a Christian, I don't really have any desire to stay any longer in this world than I have to. Please understand. I am not suicidal, but I agree with what the apostle Paul said. "Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please Him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it (2 Corinthians 5:6-9)."

Do YOU believe it???

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Blue Day Worries

2007-01-06T15:35:00.000-06:00

I've been training for my new job, so I haven't had a lot of time to write. The training had been going pretty well until Friday. On the last day that my teacher was to be with me, I just could not think clearly at all. I had to ask her to instruct me again how to do things that we had already gone over. It felt like my brain had turned into mud. Today, I'm feeling really down, and I don't want to do anything. I'm concerned that I might not be able to perform the functions of the job. That makes me anxious.

I hate depression. It takes all of the color out of the world. You just feel so empty, and there's nothing to fill the void. I've been putting off writing until this weekend, but now I don't feel motivated. A cave is beginning to sound good to me. Someplace to retreat and lick my mental wounds.

Well, I'm sorry, but this is all that I have the energy for. Those of you who struggle with depressive disorders will understand.

Fear of Failure

2007-01-01T17:24:00.000-06:00

If you've not been afraid at some time in your life, you've not been breathing. There are all kinds of fears. Fear of snakes, bullies, spiders, your girl-friend's parents, heights, etc. In fact, there are a lot of books written just to help people rid themselves of their fears. Some therapists specialize in phobias. And yet, people still have fears.

When I was a young man, a suggestion by anyone that I would one day have to come to grips with fear would have only made me laugh. I thought that I was invincible and unbeatable and unconquered. I was wrong.

A man once said to me, "Stormy, the reason so many people want to take a punch at you, is that you are so cocky." I became even cockier. In my mind, there wasn't a horse I couldn't ride, a fight I couldn't win, a problem I couldn't solve or a girl I couldn't kiss. Not even a fear that I couldn't conquer.

Notice that I said "in my mind." That is trademark Type I Bipolar Disorder thinking. It is an expression of an inflated ego. Over-confident. Over-bold. Cocky. That kind of thinking doesn't reflect reality. It's a skewed view of ones abilities. It is bipolar mania.

That's the upside. The downside is characterized by failure and the fear of failure. Failure is defined by Webster as "a falling short, a lack of success, an inability to perform a normal function. Sometimes we think we fail when we really do not. Sometimes "success" is defined differently by different people. But if we define failure as the inability to perform a normal function, such as working at an occupation or going to school, then we begin to grasp in concrete terms what that feels like to someone who has chronic depression.

I'm not sure that I want you to know this much about me. Just to contemplate transparency is painful. My privacy is important to me. But when I started this blog, I committed to throwing the windows open, propping back the doors and raising the blinds. I feel that I can only help others by allowing you to see into the dark corners of my mind and my life. It's a scary effort, though.

I'm not "retired" from ministry because I want to be. It's because I have to be. If I was healthy, I would become a preacher overnight. It's my talent. It's what I'm skilled at doing. I have more experience as a minister than at anything else. My education has all pointed toward this role. But every time I've tried, I've eventually failed because of depression. That is, I've failed in the sense of not being able to "perform the normal function" of a preacher.

So, I find myself without confidence, without boldness, and anything but cocky. My ego is about as flat as a homeless man's wallet. My wife thinks that I'm getting to the point where I don't try to do things, just because I'm afraid that I will fail.

Two weeks ago, I was offered a new job. It would be the first full-time employment I've had in three years. Even though I would be working for a Christian friend (and maybe because of), I began to feel "performance" anxiety. I was concerned that I might not be able to function well enough to do the job. I was concerned that I might disappoint him and my wife.

On the morning of the day before I began my new job, I was in bed thinking about this opportunity. That's when I realized for the first time that I was afraid. I don't know when the fear of failure became my companion, but I was undeniably afraid. My mind was filled with remembrances of all the times I attempted to do things that I shoud have been lable to perform, and they all ended without success. Some of you may know how frustrating and disappointing that can be. It's a little like being a powerful 8 cylinder engine that only hits on 2 cylinders. You just can't tap into the power. In fact, the power is impotent.

I have no wisdom for those of you who have the same fears. I'm only now coming to grips with my own personal revelation. Maybe the first step to " success " is to acknowledge that the fear exists. Perhaps we can gather strength from an awareness that "We have nothing to fear, but fear its self." Our best defense is to keep the enemy in front of us. That will protect us from sneak attacks. Robert F. Kennedy once said, "Only those who dare to fail greatly will ever achieve greatly." Well...I've got the first part right.

To the healthy: Please be kind, be available, be humble and be thankful.

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Biological Depression

2006-12-28T18:16:00.000-06:00

I don't know anyone who has traveled through life without being depressed over some difficult circumstance in their life. It's only human and normal to respond in this way to trying times. The main factor which distinguishes this type of depression from others is its transient nature. Rarely does circumstantial depression last more than two weeks.

In contrast, clinical depression can last for weeks, months or even years. For that reason, it is the most dibilitating form of this disease. Its intensity is great enough to disrupt a person's ability to function in most areas of everyday living.

The scientific community concurs that major clinical depression is linked to a chemical imbalance in the brain. Most generally, there is a shortage of the neurotransmitters serotonin, norepinephrine or dopamine in the brain. That's why this type of depression is beyond the control of the individual. A person may wait for circumstances to change or seek counseling or address spiritual issues, but none of that will help if the problem is primarily in the biochemistry of the brain.

The biological component is one of the things that I and others find most frustrating. It's not under our immediate control. We can't just "pull ourselves up by the boot straps." There are no straps. Even though there are many effective medications available to help, there is no guarantee that any of them will be adequate to treat the illness. Sometimes, it seems as though the proper blend of medications has been found, only for them to lose effectiveness over a period of time. Then you have to go back to searching for the "magic potion" that will effectively treat the depression.

The individual's response to a knowledge of the biological factor in major clinical depression is not predictable. People view things differently. In my case, there was an "aha" moment, when I was formally diagnosed with clinical depression. Finally, I could make sense of the years of life disruption that I had experienced. Now, I could understand why I felt and behaved as I did. There was good news. I might be able to find a remedy. Even the possibility was encouraging.

There are people, though, who view themselves as having a "defect." In their mind, there is something "wrong" with them. They would prefer to be able to attribute their depression to external factors. The truth is that you can "wish I may, wish I might" all you want to, and it will not change the biochemistry of your brain.

Every year there are advances made in the study and understanding of the workings of the brain. We are closer than ever before to remedies that may be able to treat formerly untreatable depressive illness. This hope is part of the reason that I keep plugging along, doing what I can to assist my medical professionals, and praying for God's help when everything seems to fail.

"The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:5f)."

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute freefall off the edge of a dime."]

The Greatest Gifts

2006-12-23T15:20:00.000-06:00

Christmas is just two days away, and I've been thinking about people who have brought great gifts to this world. Not many people know it, but some of the most wonderful gifts have been passed on to us by men and women who have struggled with mental illness.

Think about how diminished this world would be if it had not been for Billy Joel, Abraham Lincoln, Agatha Christie, Mozart, Vincent Van Gogh, Florence Nightingale, Jane Pauley, Robin Williams, Mark Twain, Winston Churchill, Isaac Newton, Darryl Strawberry and many, many others. Do a Google search for a more complete list. You will be surprised. All of these people have brought their own personal gifts for the rest of us to enjoy, in spite of their mental health struggles.

My Most Memorable Christmas

It was the December of 1959, and I was 10 years old. That was the year that my Dad had a back operation and money was very tight at our house. Occasionally, my father and I would go to downtown Oklahoma City and walk the streets doing our style of "window-shopping." Probably my favorite store was Andy Andersons. They had all of the "toys" that any boy or man could want. Andersons had a jaw-dropping selection of knives. Even today, knives of all kinds capture my interest

As Dad and I looked at the many glass cases of knives, we were both drawn to the same one. It was a large pocket-knife with stag-horn handles. The two blades were about 4" long, and it was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen. Evidently, my father felt the same way. We decided that we would both ask Santa for this one very special gift. Santa was my Mom.

Next week my mother and I went downtown to get that knife for my Dad. I was so excited that I could barely keep the "secret." I just knew that Dad would faint with surprise as he and I both got what we wanted.

That year, our family went to Grammer and Papa's house in the country. All of my aunts and uncles and cousins were gathering for the big celebration. On Christmas eve, we were all crammed into the little farm house living room. Everyone was about to burst from eating candy and cookies and fruit and nuts. Naturally, all of us kids wanted to open a present. After much begging, we were given permission to open only one present. I knew which one I wanted.

As the kids circled the Christmas tree, each of us selected the gift that we thought would have our most wished for item. I saw a small package and as I reached for it, my Dad said, "No, Stormy, take this one." Now that present wasn't shaped anything like a knife, but I did as my Dad suggested.

Each of the cousins opened their gift in from of everyone else. We took turns. It was so hard to wait. When I ripped the paper off, there was a .............book!! Not a knife...a book!!

What made it worse was that I recognized this book. I had pulled it from our bookshelf and looked at it many times. Then it dawned on me that my parents didn't have enough money that year to buy me a present. I loved my Mom and Dad, so I didn't want to show my disappointment. I looked sadly at Dad and said, "Thank you, Daddy." Then I burst into tears and ran out of the house. I was so deeply disappointed.

In a minute, I heard my Dad's voice calling me. He had the book in his hand. "Stormy, did you look inside," he asked. "No." "Well, open it up." With tear-wet fingers I opened the book. There was a big hole cut out of the middle, and in the hole was my knife! I really cried then. My Dad hadn't let me down. I knew then that he really would give me the very best gift that he could. As proud as I was to put that beautiful knife in my pocket, it couldn't even come close to the excitement I felt the next morning. When we all opened the rest of our presents, my father held his most-wished-for knife in his hand. We looked at each other across the room, and we both had the silliest and happiest grin of anyone in the house.

The Very Best Gift Of My Life

It was a long time coming. I really wasn't ready for it until I had turned twenty-seven. This gift had been waiting for me for a long time. I probably wouldn't have appreciated it in my youth. Now, I could understand that it was to be more precious to me than my wonderful knife. It has truly been the gift that goes on giving.

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. ...God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life (Romans 5:6, 8 and John 3:16)."

I don't know about you, my friends, but every day my heart celebrates that most wonderful gift. Sometimes there is even a silly and happy grin on my face.

************************************************************************************

Give Him thanks over and over again.

Taking Life Too Seriously

2006-12-18T08:26:00.000-06:00

I've never been accused of taking life too seriously. My high school teachers thought that I didn't take it seriously enough. I DO have a sense of humor. Sometimes it's just buried under the depression.

I'm starting a new job today (more later), so I just wanted to share with you some of my favorite words of wisdom.

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

01-Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

02-On the other hand, you have different fingers.

03-A day without sunshine is like...night.

04-I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

05-Eagles may soar, but turtles don't sucked into jet engines.

06-I intend to life forever. So far, so good.

07-My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states.

08-Support bacteria. They are the only culture some people have.

09-If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you even tried.

10-Experience is something that you don't get until just after you need it.

11-Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12-The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

13-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

14-Get a new car for your spouse. It will be a great trade.

15-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

16-He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Have a wonderful day, and if you can't, have a day anyway.

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute freefall off the edge of a dime."]

Depression Support Groups

2006-12-15T10:28:00.001-06:00

When you think about treatment of chronic (long-term) clinical depression, you would want to seek every avenue of help that's available. Not just medication. Not just counsel, but you want to take advantage of anything and everything that might help.

Believe me, when you have deep and debilitating depression, you become desperate. You'll try anything short of a witch doctor. I know. One source of help that is not always sought is support groups.

When I lived in Arizona, a woman at church urged me to join her support group. I was busy. I was a little skeptical. I didn't really think that they had anything to offer me. Oh, how wrong I was.

After I had moved to Arkansas, I saw an article in the newspaper about a depression support group meeting at the local hospital. I had been pretty severely depressed for several months, so I thought that I would attend a meeting and see what it was all about.

For the first time, I found a group of people who understood very well what I was going through. They had "been there, done that." The meeting was very informal. We took turns going around the room giving a little background on our own illness and experiences, but if someone wasn't comfortable speaking, they didn't have to. We shared knowledge about the illness, counselors, and medications and how well they worked. There was a discussion about the impact that depression had on the people who cared about us. Teresa, my wife, was really encouraged by the family and spouses of the patients. Finally, she had someone to talk about her experiences and frustrations. It was therapeutic for both of us.

Later, I had the honor of becoming the leader of our group in Hot Springs. Actually, our meetings didn't really need a leader. Just someone to keep the ball rolling. Teresa and I would both say that we met some wonderful people, and we will never forget the friendship and encouragement that we were given.

I cannot overemphasize the blessing that you will receive if you become a member of a support group. "Try it, you'll like it." The two largest organizations that sponsor these groups are: Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (www.dbsalliance.org) and National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (www.nami.org). Their websites list local chapters in each state, and you can usually find one within easy driving distance.

I regret that I had not become involved with a group like this a long time ago. Don't make that one of your regrets.

"Two are better than one...If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up (Eccelisiastes 4:9f)!"

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute freefall off the edge of a dime."]

Circumstantial/Situational Depression

2006-12-13T09:58:00.000-06:00

It was a very bad year. In fact, it may have been the worst year of my life. First, my mother died unexpectedly. I alone made all of the arrangements for her funeral. I remember having the unusual feeling of being an orphan, at the age of forty-eight. Now, I had no parents and no brothers or sisters, so I was the only surviving member of my family. Although I was married, I experienced loneliness like no other time in my life.

Three weeks later, a horse threw me and broke my hip. It was two days before my medical insurance kicked in. The hospital in the small Colorado town where I lived was unable to give me the type of operation that I would need to mend my hip. An ambulance had to transport me to Colorado Springs, 90 miles away. I was in extreme pain for several hours, before the surgeons could give me a sedative. The operation and other medical expenses came to a total of
$10,000, which I had to pay for myself.

Three weeks later, I lost my job. By this time, I was so depressed that I was unable to think clearly or to complete the continuing education requirements of my job. This was the first (only) time in my life that I had been fired. I was devastated, humiliated and ashamed.

So, in a six week period, I lost my mother, my health and my job. Consequently, I became deeply depressed.

Depression which is circumstantial is caused by the external events in your life. When someone experiences divorce, job loss, family problems, a car accident, homesickness, major surgery, or the end of an important relationship, they will most likely become depressed.

Situational depression is a normal response to abnormal events. A person will typically recover in a few days or weeks. Very seldom are medications recommended or needed for this type of depression. Usually, counsel by a minister, doctor or therapist will be the most effective method of treatment. Certainly this is a time to seek the comfort which can only be given by God.

In my opinion, King David was the most depressed individual in the Bible. At least, his depressions were chronicled in greater detail. Many of his Psalms reflect the inner turmoil of his emotions. Probably of all the difficult circumstances of his life, the constant problems that he had with his enemies, and the loss of important relationships created the circumstances that he found most difficult to deal with.

Here are two examples of his situational depression.

(1) Speaking to God, he says, "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and distress.....See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me (Psalm 25:16-19)!"

(2) "My heart is in anguish within me...Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me..If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship (Psalm 55:4, 12-14)."

David knew, as I do, that when we are flat on our back, we are looking up to God. "When he (a man of God) falls, he will not be hurled headlong; Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand (Psalm 37:24)." That's a beautiful picture for the Christian who is depressed.

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Acceptance: A Reachable Goal

2006-12-11T09:24:00.000-06:00

I'm afraid that I'm becoming depressed again. I've had two good months, but I can see the signs. Those of you who have ridden this roller-coaster again and again will understand the frustration and disappointment felt when this happens.

Last week, my father-in-law called and asked me for Teresa's phone number. I gave him a number and hung up. A few minutes later he called back and said, "That's the wrong number." I gave him another (a variation). He called back, "That's not it." Well, by that time I was completely confused myself. I told him, "When she calls me today, I'll get the right number."

That's often the way my depressive cycle starts. I start forgetting things that I know quite well. I have (and did) difficulty finding the right words to express myself. I also noticed that I was tired all of the time, my eyes were squinting, I wasn't laughing as much, and I wanted to go to bed early. When Sunday came around, I was quiet during Bible class and I resumed my afternoon naps. It's such a familiar pattern. Maybe, it will be a short cycle. That sometimes happens.

Today, I'm including an article I wrote about a year ago. Please note: Most of the time, I will be speaking about biological depression and/or Bipolar Disorder. I will address the other types of depression more fully in the future.

ACCEPTANCE

Let's start with the naked truth. If you have a biological mood disorder, it will never go away (with rare exceptions). It will be your lifelong companion. It will be like having a fat old messy elephant in your living room. You can deny that it exists, but it will still be the biggest thing in your life.

I know from personal experience that wishing upon a star that this disorder will go away won't work. Turning your back and a blind eye to the problem won't work. Praying for healing may not work. Complaining that it's unfair won't work. So if nothing works, then how can we cope with this unwelcome companion?

Acceptance. According to Webster, to accept something is to "endure without protest; to regard as proper, normal or inevitable." It sounds simple, but it is hard to accomplish. Before we can make any progress in coping with our disorder (illness), we have to learn to accept the inevitable. Reinhold Niebuhr's Serenity Prayer begins with these words, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change: courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

The first step in our survival is to accept the inevitable, the unchangeable. We cannot change the fact that we have a lifelong illness. It can be treated and stabilized, but not cured. There are things that can be changed, and the most important change needed is the way that we think.

If we think that denial is an effective coping mechanism, then we will be angry and frustrated when it fails. If we think that refusing to take medication will make the truth of our illness go away, then we will be bitterly disappointed. If we believe that acknowledging our disorder will reveal a personal weakness, then we will suffer injury to our pride and sense of worth. If we don't think right, then we won't do right. We do what we do, because we think what we think. Wrong thinking equals (=) wrong coping.

Often, acceptance only comes after the painful process of grieving our loss of mental healthiness. The five commonly accepted stages of grief are:

(1) Shock ("I can't believe it!")

(2) Denial (("I won't believe it!")

(3) Anger ("This shouldn't be happening to me. It's just not fair!")

(4) Depression ("I can't deal with this."]

(5) Acceptance ("I can now get on with my life.")

You can easily see how we might get "stuck" at one of the first four stages, without ever arriving at acceptance.

Getting on with life is a reachable goal, but it is not easily reached. It takes hard work and patience to attain this goal, but it is definitely worth the effort. To deny and defy the problem is no more productive than it is to scream at the Sun for interrupting your sleep. In order to learn to live with your illness/disorder, you will need to make a declaration to yourself and then to others who are a part of your life.

"I accept it. I don't like it, but I accept it."

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me (2 Corinthians 12:8f)."

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Don't Rain On My Parade

2006-12-08T08:32:00.000-06:00

Bobby Darin and Barbara Streisand both sang a song titled "Don't Rain On My Parade." A sampling of the lyrics are: "Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade. Don't tell me not to fly, I simply got to. If someone takes a spill, it's me and not you. Who told you that you're allowed to rain on my parade?"

I'm a dreamer. I always think that life is going to get better. I see the possibilities, not the improbabilities. Many would call me an optimist. My glass is always half full. So-called "realists" think that optimists are fools. All I know is that I'm more optimistic when I'm depressed, than some people are when they are not depressed. I call them pessimists. "A pessimist is someone who feels bad when he feels good, for fear that he will feel even worse when he feels better (Anonymous)." These people are always trying to rain on someone's parade.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but didn't say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "Your dog can't swim!"

People who don't have depressive mood disorders don't understand how toxic pessimism can be. If you are chronically depressed, those who surround you need to be people who will feed your hope. They should be people who are optimistic about your life and your chances of survival. They should help you dream. Hopes and dreams prevent suicides. They sustain people during rough times.

I can't think of a more miserable way to live, than to live as a "rainmaker." I will take a dream unfulfilled over "realism" fulfilled any day. I don't even demand that my glass be half full. Just a drop will do me. The crumbs off the table will fill my belly. Of course, I'll be dreaming about shakes and steaks.

But please....please...don't rain on my parade!!

**********************************************

"Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:4f)."

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Depressed Christians

2006-12-05T11:26:00.000-06:00

In some people's minds, "depressed" and "Christian" is an oxymoron. Their belief is often that a Christian with depression should pray their way out of it. Some think that it is a problem with sin, and that the real need is for repentance. Others hold that depression is an expression of weak (or no) faith. There is no telling how many times suffering Christians have been abused by their brothers and sisters in Christ who speak out of lack of knowledge, fear, or mean-spiritedness. One woman wrote, "...My children and I have a mental disorder that is genetically passed on called Bipolar Disorder. I had a fellow church member tell me that she hopes we ask for forgiveness every night, because we never truly repent with this illness..."

There may have been some people of my acquaintance who felt the same way, but were afraid to confront me with their erroneous ideas. They may have thought that I might give them a Biblical "rebuking." I admit that I am sometimes impatient with people who have this attitude.

I want to strongly urge you to read my prior post and others that will come, about this subject.

The question arises, have people of faith ever become depressed? If they did, and God didn't condemn them for their state of mind, then it is obvious that they continued to have a good relationship with the Lord.

My Fellow Sufferers

01-Samson-listed among the heroes of faith in Hebrews 11-"...Let me die with the Philistines (Judges 4:3).'

02-Jonah the prophet-"O Lord, please take my life from me, for death is better to me than life (Jonah 4:3)."

03-King David, called a "man after God's own heart (Acts 13:22)."-"My soul is in anguish...The troubles of my heart have multiplied...My eyes grow weak with sorrow...My life is consumed with anguish...My soul is downcast within me...My heart is wounded within me...I was overcome by trouble and sorrow...My spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed (Various Psalms)."

04-Moses-a hero of faith (Heb.11:23-28) and "more humble than any man on earth (Numbers 12:13)."-"I alone am not able to carry all this people, because it is too burdensome for me. So if You are going to deal thus with me, please kill me at once...(Numbers 11:15)."

05-Elijah, the prophet-after he had won a great victory against the prophets of Baal(1 Kings 18:20-40)-"...It is enough; now, O Lord, take my life, for I am not better than my fathers (1 Kings 19:4)."

06-Jeremiah, the prophet-who was so esteemed that people thought Jesus must be him (Matthew 16:14)-"My sorrow is beyond healing, My heart is faint within me (Jer.8:18)." AND-"Why did I ever come forth from the womb to look on trouble and sorrow (Jer.20:18)?"

07-Job-who was "blameless, upright, fearing God, and turning away from evil (Job 1:1)."-"Why did I not die at birth...(3:11)?" "..My soul would choose suffocation, Death rather than my pains (7:15)."

Here, we see evidence that these wonderful men of faith and commitment were so depressed that they even would welcome death. You can't get much more "blue" than that. Yet, they were loved and praised by God.

Doctor Dowell Flatt (Th.D.), a faithful gospel preacher, has written a wonderful tract on this subject. He suffered many years from depression, even needing to be hospitalized. Hugo McCord gave him these encouraging words, "Brother Dowell, this will make you a better man. You will be able to do a far better job in helping others."

That is my prayer also. But if not... then I say, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet not as I will, but as You will (Matthew 26:39)."

Don't be a stumbling block to others. Educate and enlighten yourself. Be humble.

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Four Primary Types of Depression

2006-12-04T10:07:00.000-06:00

I believe that one of the obstacles to an understanding of depression is the idea that depression is only what happens when life takes a turn for the worse. Occasionally, someone will say, "I know how you feel. I was depressed once for three days." Clinical depression is defined as that which lasts longer than two weeks.

My studies and the writings of medical professionals suggest 4 major types of depression.

(1) Circumstantial-This is the most commonly experienced type. Most everyone can remember feeling down when a loved one dies, or they get a divorce, or they lose their job, or their house burns down, etc.. Not everyone reponds to difficult circumstances the same way, but there will most likely be something for each of us that brings on the "blues." When circumstances change or improve, we will begin to feel better. This type of depression is nearly always resolved in less than two weeks.

(2) Biological-This is primarily what my blog is addressing. Maybe this is an oversimplification, but this type of depression is believed by leading scientists to be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. There are chemical messengers between brain cells which are sometimes found in some individuals to be in deficit. A shortage of these neurotransmitters, i.e. serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine, will upset the chemistry of the brain and cause depression which is out of the individual's control.

(3) Psychological-Sometimes the negative pattern of someone's thinking affects their moods to the extent that they become depressed. You might be surprised to know how many people experience this particular type of mood disturbance. Perhaps all of us to some degree. Sometimes this pattern of thought is described as "Stinkin' Thinkin.' When our self-talk is negative, then we may become depressed. The pioneering and revolutionary psychologist, Albert Ellis, believed that people's irrational ideas about themselves cripple their emotional lives.

(4) Spiritual-Although I've discussed this subject with many doctors, the idea that people could become depressed because of a poor relationship with God was novel to them. My study of the Bible has led me to believe that children of God can experience this type of depression due to unrepented sin. King David expressed it this way, "When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.'--and you forgave the guilt of my sin (Psalm 32:3-5)."

It is extremely important to know that a person might be experiencing one or more of these types of depression at the same time. For instance, you may depressed for biological reasons and also be depressed because of your "Stinkin' Thinkin'." If you only treat the biological depression and do not treat the psychological, then you will not become well.

"...Woe to the one who falls and there is not another to lift him up (Ecclesiastes 4:10)." Be a "lifter" this week.

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

Cry Like A Baby????

2006-12-01T09:51:00.000-06:00

Last night, the tears flowed like rain at my house. I knew that it was going to happen. My wife had taped the Hallmark movie Candles On Bay Street, so we watched that together in the evening. We might be the only marriage in America where the man is more emotive than the woman. I admit to being a "softie." I'm so glad that Little House On The Prairie has finally gone off the air, because I couldn't watch an episode without being moved to tears.

Yes, crying can sometimes be an indicator of depression, but I'm feeling fine (right now), so I can't offer that as an explanation of my behavior. Maybe I'm just not tough enough. Frankly, I'm not sure what it means to be tough. Does it mean that you never cry? Are you tough if you are hard-fisted? I know the foolishness and futility of that. Do you measure it by whether or not you have been to a war zone and back? You know, like John Wayne. If you are tough, do you have a strong tolerance for pain? I've had more broken bones that Bayer has aspirins, but never a whimper. Of course, my teeth have been ground down to the gums. Do you keep a "stiff upper lip" at funerals? Come on now, tell me. Do the tough ever cry?

Typically, little boys start hearing "Crying is for babies" when they are in their diapers. My Dad was different. The best advice I ever received from my father was when he told me, "Stormy, don't ever be ashamed of an honest emotion." That's not easy to do in our culture.

There's one man who comes to my mind when I think about "toughness." That man is the apostle Paul. He wrote, "I have been...in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea. I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger from false brothers. I...have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked (2 Corinthians 11:23-27)." In spite of all that, he kept right on preaching and serving the Lord.

That sounds like toughness to me. Yet, he admits that "I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears...(2 Corinthians 2:4)." He could have been too tough to shed "many tears," but he wasn't. Paul never allowed manliness to get in the way of an honest emotion.

Now that I think about it, I believe I could have watched Candles On Bay Street in a room full of men, and still have been comfortable with my honest tears. Of course, if anybody laughed...I might have been so weak as to punch him.

Depression Feels Like....

2006-11-29T12:47:00.000-06:00

There are some things that all of us who have mood disorders share in common. Still, everyone's experience with depression is unique to them. Perhaps similar to, but not the same as anyone else's.

A little history. This has been a health issue for me since I was 15 years old (perhaps earlier). Unfortunately, I didn't know why I felt as I did. In fact, I thought that everyone had the same feelings that I did. Often, chronic clinical depression becomes a state of mind that feels "normal" to the person who suffers from it. They've never known any other way of life.

I remember the first time that a doctor ever asked me if I was depressed. I was 31 years old. I had started having migraine headaches, and had been referred for tests. The first doctor that I saw said, "Are you depressed?" I replied, "No," mainly because I didn't know what depression was supposed to feel like. Remember, this was the only state I had ever known. I was puzzled as to why he had asked me that question, but I didn't pursue it any further.

When I was 38, I was preaching for a church in New Mexico and I started having difficulty thinking and focusing on my work. My short-term memory was shot. I was frustrated and began to have anxiety attacks. I would stand in the pulpit and struggle for the right words. There was a car-sized chunk of lead sitting on my chest and I couldn't catch my breath. Oddly, the members of the church didn't notice any problems. Finally, I was so deeply depressed that I resigned and moved to Tulsa, OK to be near family. Of course, there's more to the story, but I wanted you to see how serious the problem had become.

Today, I know all about my type of mental illness. It has become a constant and familiar companion. I can easily recognize the signs when I begin another slide to the bottom of the pit. Usually, fatigue first comes on. My brain seems incapable of thought and it's hard for me to comprehend what I'm reading. I have difficulty concentrating and am easily distracted. My wife notices that I'm no longer joking or talking much. Laughter leaves the house. There's no interest in things that usually excite me. Socializing becomes painful and I try to isolate myself, even at church. I find myself staring at my computer monitor and I can't remember what I was doing.

Even simple arithmetic becomes almost impossible for me to comprehend. I want to sleep all of the time, but I know that I can't. That frustrates me. Irritation boils up unexpectedly. I become less affectionate. There is a tight feeling in my forehead. One of the first clues I get is that my eye-lids become swollen and my eyes close to a squint. A look in the mirror shows that I'm depressed. I feel hopeless and helpless. My self-esteem flees and I feel guilty because of the hardship that my illness causes. That familiar inner voice whispers, "Here we go again. Get ready for the fall."

Other than that, life is pretty good. Things do get better, eventually.

Ask someone for their personal story and be a good listener.

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]

How To Recognize Depression

2006-11-28T14:46:00.000-06:00

Sunday, a friend of mine asked me how I had been feeling. When I told him that I had been doing much better for the last two months, he said, "I can't imagine what it would be like to be depressed all of the time."

That's a good thing. I wish that no one ever experienced those feelings. The truth is, though, that some do. One in five people will have to deal with major clinical depression. Unfortunately, many of those persons and those who are close to them will never know that they are depressed. Consequently, they will go untreated, and may suffer needlessly for many years.

Not all depression is treatable. That has been my experience. I, like some others, have treatment-resistent depression. That's another problem altogether.

Abraham Lincoln once wrote, "I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forbode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me." Neither he nor I would wish this condition on our worst enemies.

Before anyone can be treated, they must first be diagnosed. A preliminary diagnosis can sometimes be done personally. If you or anyone you know has the symptoms of depression, then get to a doctor immediately and tell him/her what the problem is.

Characteristics of Depression

01-Depression is a whole-life illness. It involves your body, mood, thoughts and behavior.

02-You may have problems with thinking clearly, concentration and decision making.

03-You might have short-term memory problems. It's not the same as "senior moments."

04-There can be a loss of motivation and lethargy expressed as procrastination.

05-You lose interest in formally enjoyable activities or hobbies.

06-There may be extreme fatigue, loss of energy and slow body movements.

07-Usually there is either a loss of appetite or a craving for carbohydrates and sweets.

08-You may feel chronic aches and pains or a sense of numbness and insensitivity.

09-You can be anxious, worried or nervous.

10-Self-criticism or criticism of others is typical of depression.

11-Anger or irritability is frequently expressed.

12-Your outlook on life is mostly negative or pessimistic. You feel hopeless and helpless.

13-There is usually a desire to withdraw socially, losing even the enjoyment of the company of people you care about.

14-You may experience a loss of libido.

15-Other signs are: crying, sleepiness, neglect of hygiene, guilt, and loss of self-esteem

Knowledge of this illness is an imperative. It is the first step in treatment. Read everything you can about depression. Then talk to a medical professional.

President Lincoln's hard-won wisdom was expressed in a letter to Mary Speed, written September 27, 1841. He wrote: "A tendency to melancholy...let it be observed, is a misfortune, not a fault."

Don't be an obstacle to someone's recovery. Be tender, understanding, sympathetic and helpful.

["I'm so low I could do a ten minute free-fall off the edge of a dime."]